As a child, I was a people-pleaser. I would do what I thought others wanted because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I remember sitting in a college class, listening to professor from Austria talk about other cultures and suddenly, a thought hit me. I needed to start thinking for myself and forming my own beliefs and opinions. It was slow going at first . . . people-pleasing is a hard habit to break. So, my children sort of traveled this path with me and we learned and grew together. There were 5 key things I wanted them to know, though.
- It’s not your job to keep others happy (yes, even your parents). I have very vivid memories of putting my own wants and happiness aside in an effort to do what I thought someone else wanted me to do. I worried that if I said “no” or didn’t do what they wanted, it would hurt their feelings, and I just didn’t want to hurt anyone. So, I ended up hurting myself. People-pleasing becomes a habit and adds unnecessary stress. As an adult, I have learned that there is no rhyme or reason to it. When raising my own children, I made certain that they knew they could say no. They didn’t have to do something merely because someone else wanted them to do it. (And no, I’m not referring to chores.) I now have three children who are honest, but kind about it, and that has made our bond stronger and healthier.
- Hugging. Back when I was a child, we hugged everyone. It was just the thing to do. Distant relatives whom we didn’t know? Give them a hug! With my children, I learned quickly that it is their body and they have the right to say no. This decision became easier when my daughter reached an age where she just didn’t want to be touched or hugged. She shouldn’t be criticized or punished for that. Again, it’s her body and it’s her right to say no. As an added bonus, she will be more prepared to say no and protect her body, should something more than a hug raise its ugly head in the future. When she chooses to hug me, it makes it more special.
- Politics and religion. One could really write article after article about these two things. The anger that these two subjects emit from people is shocking at times. I raised my children to talk to people who have different beliefs. (College is great for this!) I encouraged them to ask questions about religion and politics. We live in a country that is supposed to allow us the freedom to believe what we want and to have different political opinions. So, my husband and I encouraged them to learn and form their own opinions. We raised them to not just follow blindly, but to do your research and know why they feel or believe that way. We taught them that there are different religions and denominations for a reason and that your religious beliefs apply to you and not the rest of the world.
- Mind your business. You overhear your siblings talking and you ask me what they are saying, I’m going to tell you to mind your business. How others choose to live their lives? It’s none of our business. How others look or think? Guess what, it’s none of our business. Someone doing something you don’t agree with? You guessed it! Its none of your business. The other day my daughter was talking to a friend and she said, “How do you even know that’s true?” There was a pause as she listened and then she said, “It’s not about you, though. I think you should mind your own business.” I smiled. It works!
- Last but not least, be kind. All three are experiencing the cruelty and hate that is overflowing from numerous news outlets. As my son said, “It’s everywhere! You can’t escape it!” The thing that really breaks my heart as a mother is that there are people who are quick to jump on social media and criticize, judge, spread hate, or pick fights with people they don’t even know. I’ve taught my three to choose kindness and for the love of all things beautiful, do not engage! You can’t win an argument on social media, it only escalates and it’s not worth your time. When you go to school or work, be kind. Choose kindness. Imagine what this world would be like if every human chose kindness instead of hate.
