In life, some journeys demand extraordinary strength, resilience, and an unwavering will to keep moving forward, no matter the odds. For Tonisha Taylor, the experience of navigating parental incarceration was one such journey. From a young age, Tonisha was thrust into a world of challenges that shaped her into the formidable woman she is today. Her story is one of persistence, love, and an unyielding commitment to her family. Through her contributions to Black Children of Incarcerated Parents Speak Truth to Power, she not only shares her deeply personal experiences but also offers a powerful message of hope and empowerment to others facing similar challenges. Her reflections reveal the incredible power of self-care, community, and the resolve to turn adversity into a catalyst for growth and positive change.
- Can you share your personal story related to experiencing parental incarceration and how it influenced your outlook on life?
My mother was incarcerated in either jail or prison at different points of my life from the time I was 9 up until I was 23. She struggled with polysubstance abuse, which fueled the antisocial behavior that led to incarceration. As a child, I was sheltered somewhat by my grandparents. I had an idea of what was going on, but my grandparents made sure I stayed focused on school. This all changed right before my 20th birthday. My grandmother passed away, leaving me as the stable matriarch of my family (my grandfather died when I was 13). Shortly after that, I obtained guardianship of my four younger siblings, and my mother was sentenced to about two or three years in federal prison. Just like that, I became responsible for four children while working and attending undergrad full time. At the time, my siblings were 16, 11, 10, and 7. This was a very difficult time because in the Brooklyn neighborhood we lived in, everyone knew us, everyone knew what was going on, but only a few people helped. And I’ll use the term help loosely.
My outlook on life was greatly influenced because I knew that no one was coming to save me. Every decision I made was calculated because I had four mouths to feed and I fought like hell to keep my family together. Losing them to the system was never an option. This experience undoubtedly shaped me into the person I am today. I’m hyper-focused and I’m always looking at the big picture, even as I sort through the minutia.
- How did your experiences as a child and young adult shape your contribution to Black Children of Incarcerated Parents Speak Truth to Power?
For the book chapters, we were allotted the equivalent of three pages, but I had two very different messages that I wanted to convey. I’m thankful to the editors for giving me the space to tell these stories. In the first chapter “Am I My Mother’s Keeper”, I tell an abbreviated version of my mother’s incarceration and how we worked to develop a strong relationship years later after she made significant changes in her life. The second chapter “This is Your Permission to be Free” is more of a reflection of how my siblings and I grappled with my mother’s long-term illness. This chapter was written before she passed away, and we all struggled with how much of ourselves we would lose in the process of caring for her the way she wanted us to, especially when there were a lot of unresolved issues between some of my siblings and my mother.
I think both stories were important conversations to have, because on one hand, there’s a story of redemption and reconciliation, but on the other hand, there’s still a matter of self-preservation. I am now a mother of two, and I have done things very differently in my approach to parenting, mainly because I want my children to know every single day that they are loved and valued. I am very intentional about being present for my children.
- What was the process like for you to write the chapters in the book, and what emotions did it evoke?
It was HARD! There were times when I didn’t even want to acknowledge that I was writing! I remember crying a lot. In total it took a couple of months to write both chapters. I let two friends review my drafts. They were speechless. I never told them much of my story in great detail, so I think it knocked the wind out of them a little bit too.
I didn’t tell anyone in my family I was contributing to the book either. I wanted it to be a surprise for my mother. Unfortunately, she died in December of 2022, and the book wasn’t published until November of 2023. She would have been so upset with me at first, but she would have appreciated part of her story being out there. She always wanted to tell her own story, but unfortunately, she died before she was able to. So, in my way, I want to continue to write to honor her memory and her story, because it is an important one to tell.
- How did contributing to this book help you process your own experiences and find strength?
I believe that for this first time, I didn’t feel ashamed of my past. Contributing to this book helped me own my story in a way that it is now a badge of honor to have been through a very challenging time in my life and come out on top and with my family intact.
I’ve always been strong, I’ve always been brave, even if I was afraid. I’ve always been a doer and a go-getter, that’s the Brooklyn hustle in me, I don’t think that will ever change.
- What were some of the biggest challenges you faced during your time dealing with parental incarceration?
The biggest challenge would be dealing with people who came into my life as if they wanted to help but were really out to hurt me and my family. There were quite a few bad actors that popped up after my grandmother’s death and though some of them were able to do some harm, it wasn’t enough to destroy me and my siblings.
- How did you cope with the emotional and mental health impacts of these challenges?
In 2009 I began seeing a therapist. I was having problems with the father of my children, but I believe that while that was the presenting stressor, the root of everything stemmed from my past. I wanted to be loved, accepted, and felt that someone was there to care for me after I spent so much time caring for other people. I had to work on those issues in therapy.
- What message or lessons do you hope readers will take away from your chapters in the book?
I would want them to know that there’s no shame in going through a situation that was beyond their control. What matters most is how they came out on the other side. Another lesson is also one of self-care. We must find a moment for ourselves to recharge. I always say, I can’t be good to anybody if I’m not good to myself first.
- How has sharing your story through this book impacted your own healing journey?
Sharing my story is now helping me with the grieving process of losing my mother. I feel blessed that we had about 20 years to build a beautiful relationship after her last prison stint. She became an amazing grandmother to five grandchildren who absolutely adored her, and that’s the woman I miss every single day. She also became a social worker and a pillar in her community.
Earlier this year, my siblings and I started a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization, Shine A Light NJ, which aims to support children and families through various academic and recreational activities. This is us carrying on my mother’s work in the community.
- Can you discuss the role of community and support systems in your life during these times?
Aside from a couple of neighbors and my friends, we were on our own. Family members from both sides of the family abandoned us or sought to hurt us. Our father moved down south after my parents divorced around when I was 11 or so. He did not help. We do not have a relationship with him.
It wasn’t until we moved from Brooklyn to New Jersey and people saw that we were thriving despite it all that family attempted to rebuild relationships.
In the present time, my siblings and I are beyond close. Everyone who knows us knows that we are an impenetrable unit. We have created our own support system among ourselves and trusted family friends. There are some family members we communicate with, but we are not very close with our extended family, and that is okay. I’ve learned that people have their own lives and their own issues, and I know where to categorize people in my life.
- What advice would you give to other women who have faced similar challenges with parental incarceration?
I would advise them to check in on themselves often. Work to not internalize their parent’s actions as a reflection of them. You had nothing to do with your parent going to jail or prison. They are fighting their own demons. Also, don’t fall into the victim mentality. We are all going to end up in bad situations at some point in life. The goal is to not get stuck there. Persist. Do the internal work and persist.
When I ended up with my siblings, my biggest fear was dropping out of college. I didn’t. I graduated with my bachelor’s, only delayed by one semester. My mother was released by the time I graduated and insisted that I attend graduation so she could see me walk. In hindsight, I’m so glad I did because I have that memory and those pictures. From there, I’ve earned three master’s degrees and I’m working on a doctorate. That’s how I chose to persist.
- How do you maintain your mental health and well-being while dealing with past traumas?
I am a licensed social worker, so I have many tool kits at my disposal. I am big on mindfulness and checking in on myself. Also, I cannot underscore the importance of therapy. I am also blessed with a close-knit circle of friends who are uplifting, inspiring, and available to process with me.
- What role does self-care play in your life, and what practices do you find most beneficial?
Self-care looks like waking up a little earlier than the rest of the house to enjoy a cup of coffee in peace. Self-care is also my standing monthly massage and facial appointment. I enjoy powerlifting too. There is something about lifting heavy weights that seems like a metaphor to my life. I can lift heavy things, but I also know when to put them down.
13. What do you hope to achieve with your contributions to this book beyond sharing your personal story?
This has also been the catalyst to pursuing my doctorate in social work, as the capstone project that I am working on focuses on identifying the resilience factors present in Black children of currently or formerly incarcerated parents. This is important because an overwhelming amount of research tells a story of children who face potential challenges and negative outcomes, but there’s not much literature that focuses on the factors that helped some children persist and navigate through certain challenges to have favorable outcomes.
For instance, though I was aware of my mother’s substance abuse and stints in and out of jail while I was young, I ended up being the valedictorian of my elementary school’s graduating class. I didn’t get into much trouble rather than the normal teenage shenanigans and at the time, I wouldn’t attribute that behavior to my mother’s actions. For me, I would point to the stability of my grandparents as a resilience factor that kept me in line despite all that was going on with my mother.
14. Can you share any resources or support systems that you found particularly helpful during your journey?
Daughters Beyond Incarceration is a nonprofit organization based out of Louisiana that seeks to provide a safe haven for Black girls with incarcerated parents through advocacy and supportive services. The founder, Dominique Jones-Johnson is the daughter of an incarcerated parent. She is phenomenal. I’ve heard her speak at several events and the raw passion that she has gets me every time. I hope to meet her one day. She’s definitely an inspiration. I hope to develop a similar program under our nonprofit in the future, as there is a need for these services in my state. I wish there was a program like this that was around when I was younger. I could have used this support.
I have always been an avid reader, and during my journey, there were a couple books that had a profound impact on me:
A Tase of Power, Elaine Brown
A Piece of Cake, Cupcake Brown
Here you have two stories about Black women that could not have been any more different, but nonetheless powerful. I love reading autobiographies that speak to the warrior in me.
Website: shinealightnj.org
IG: @shinealightnj
LinkedIn- Tonisha Taylor
