Do you know Doctor Strange and his ability of opening portals to new versions of the universe? That’s how I feel everytime I come out. Yes, I came out more than once, but let me start from the beginning.
The first time I came out I was 15 and I was so sure that I was gay, that I liked girls, and that made a lot of sense because I always felt that boys wasn’t meant for me; everytime I tried to picture myself dating a guy, something was off, I was trying to make it work and with quite an effort I could see myself, but I was still feeling weird about it.
I spent years thinking I was gay and I don’t know how to explain it, but everytime I was thinking myself as a gay person, something inside me felt different, like more exciting; I was feeling butterflies thinking about dating a girl, watching LGBTQ+ shows or movies and realizing that I was paying more attention to girls than before. But, when I turned 18, I started having second thoughts and I thought I was bisexual.
“But why? You were so sure” I know! I started reading more about the labels and umbrella the LGBTQ+ community has and discovered s lot of new identities and sexual orientations; basically, I thought that maybe I was wrong, that I was closing doors in the face of so many people and I was being very drastic, at the end, I liked a boy when I was 8 and another one when I was 13. Maybe I was exaggerating.
I read about bisexuality, pansexuality, gender fluid, non binary people, asexuality, demisexuality and everything started to fit with me in certain moments of my life: I’m not very feminine, but I identify as a woman, but I like feminine clothes too, but I need some intimacy to sleep with someone, but I like actors too, but I think a guy is good looking… Let’s say I immersed myself into a vicious cycle of what am I and what am I doing.
I was always trying to justify myself, even looking out for more information about if it was possible to feel more attracted to women being bisexual and found a post that confirmed me that it wasn’t weird, so I felt better because I always thought that being with a girl was easier for me, it felt right; that’s why I always ended yo going back to the beginning and defining myself as a lesbian.
Then, I started university and met a guy that was very nice and started flirting to me, I thought it was funny and a good way of trying figuring things out and played along: it was a boost for my ego, it made me laugh and have a good time, but when things got a little bit serious, I couldn’t keep up the same; for more that I tried, I couldn’t do anything more, I wasn’t sure, I didn’t want to.
I feel like my head is tied in a very strong nod everytime I try to talk about how I feel, I like to be informed about our rights, sexual orientations, gender identity, pronouns to make people feel comfortable and safe, but I take it so seriously that I lose sight; it’s very overwhelming having so much information and not knowing how to work with it, meeting all these people that are so sure about themselves and not wanting to mess things up. I didn’t want to come out more times because I would tired people and they would never take me seriously.
I’ve been like this for so long that I even decided to define myself as queer, but I didn’t like it, because I know I’m something and that feeling it’s been growing stronger lately; I know it since I was a teen, but I don’t know why I can admit it.
I thought that, maybe, I was denying it because it’s a big step, it’s life changing, and it would determine a very important aspect of my life; maybe I was afraid of how people would see me, about the comments, the attitude, the feeling if not being reachable for them.
Today, I watched a movie about two girls who fall in love and I didn’t like it very much, so I talked to my parents about it and that evolved to how I’m doing with all this mess in my head; it resulted with my mom giving me a very simple but great advice: to simplify.
She had to explain it to me: “don’t think about what you could feel in the future or what other say you can or should feel, think about how you feel, how do you see yourself. Simplify the situation. You’re a woman that works in something you like, loves writing and like girls. That’s all you need for now“.
I know it sounds so simple that seems stupid, but it actually worked and helped me a lot: I am a woman who works as a graphic designer and lives for it, who loves writing more than anything and like girls more than boys, who feels comfortable thinking about having a relationship with a girl and see a future with them. And that’s all I need for now, no definitions, no extra labels, no more overthinking: this is something that’s always been present and I should focus on it, with all the good and bad parts.
But she also said: “if in five years, one year, forty years you change and realize that this is not what you expected or wanted, you can try other things out. You will have time to simplify then. And if nothing works, you can always get a dog!”
I hope this is the definitive moment, the right one and I can stop (at least for now) of coming out and doubting myself: I wrote a lot of poems, articles, reviews talking about this and that’s okay, because it’s a part of the process.
I’m a woman, a lesbian woman, who is trying to simplify her happiness to this moment, a carpe diem if you will, and I think it’s gonna work.
