The summer heat is here, and with the arrival of a** sweat and dry-heaving while you walk to the mailbox, it’s easy to lose track of your productivity goals. Maybe it’s too hot for the workout you planned, or maybe you were going to cook something healthy, but now you’d rather die than turn on your oven. Instead of going for a run and cooking at home, you end up lying around in front of a fan, wearing the Sophie shorts you’ve had since 2002 and a stained tank top. Maybe you’re scrolling through Instagram while listening to John Mayer sing about summertime and being a borderline alcoholic. This is not the productive weekend you planned, but aren’t we all different, better, unattainable versions of ourselves on Friday night when we make weekend plans?
Fear not, I have some useful tips for staying productive when the temperature outside feels like Satan’s bath water.
Tip 1: If the temperature is above 85 degrees, don’t get on Instagram. Personally, I think summertime Instagram posts are among the greatest deceptions of the 21st Century. Everyone on the gram is glowing, wearing flawless summer clothes and sipping iced coffee by the beach. In reality, everyone is actually just sitting in front of a fan in those old Sophie shorts. The ice in that coffee melted in three minutes, and the glowing makeup sweats off of them moments after the photo is taken. Those flowing summer clothes are drenched in sweat. If you struggle with comparing yourself to others, I suggest blocking all beautiful people on Instagram until winter. This will make you more productive.
Tip 2: Hydrate! Every day, you should be peeing more times than you’ve called your mom in the past week. You live in the bathroom now. Wear an adult diaper, IDGAF. This will make you more productive.
Tip 3: Fruit! In addition to hydration, I recommend eating 20 pounds of fruit, daily. You may be thinking “that’s so much fruit, I couldn’t possibly do that.” You’re wrong. You can and you should. Fruit has vitamins, right? So, it’s healthy, just trust me. I want you to be so full of fruit this summer that you need a vendor’s license to even walk past a farmers market. This will make you more productive.
Tip 4: Avoid farmers markets! Speaking of farmers markets, avoid them like the plague. If you’re being honest with yourself, you’d really rather not go to the farmers market in the first place—you only want to go because its bougie, and you feel like you should get out and enjoy the world. You may be thinking to yourself, “but where will I get the 20 pounds of fruit I’m supposed to eat?” I’m glad you asked. Go to Whole Foods. They have A/C in Whole Foods. Farmers markets are teeming with beautiful Instagram people, and I already advised you to avoid them this summer. All you’ll get at a farmers market is baby fever and a sunburn—I advise a total avoidance of these events. This will make you more productive.
Tip 5: Don’t be afraid to put ice packs in your underwear. That’s the whole tip. This will make you more productive.
Tip 6: Use TWO fans instead of one. The goal should be to create a small tornado in your workplace or home. Multiple fans will keep you cool. Even with the A/C on, sometimes it’s too hot to be productive. Additionally, multiple fans will provide white noise to drown out your darkest thoughts. This will make you more productive.
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