After navigating the end of a 27-year relationship and intense trauma work, the inspiration for Necessary Grief was born. Jenifer Walsh’s journey through divorce and healing led to profound self-reflection, uncovering the layers of coping mechanisms and dissociation that had shaped a lifetime. This interview dives into her personal experiences, shedding light on the cathartic process of grief, healing, and self-discovery. Her story is a powerful reminder that even in the darkest moments, there is the potential for growth, understanding, and resilience. Through Necessary Grief, Jenifer hopes to guide others in their own journeys toward healing and empowerment.
What inspired you to create “Necessary Grief,” and how did your personal experiences shape it?
- I was inspired to create ‘Necessary Grief’ after the end of my 27 year relationship. In May of 2023 my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Necessary Grief was written in the months directly following. My personal experiences of having done two years of intense trauma work and looking at my life in a comprehensive way, from childhood, shaped what the book ultimately ended up becoming.
Can you share more about how your journey through trauma and divorce led to your healing process? - My journey through trauma work was the catalyst for my healing process, and the divorce became an integral part of the journey. Even though I had done plenty of therapy in the past, my journey through using the modalities of Compassionate Inquiry, Internal Family Systems and Polyvagal Theory catapulted me into a very direct awareness of what my life was, and had become over a long period of time. Being confronted with a direct awareness of all my coping and defense mechanisms, my dissociation and the state of my nervous system created an awakening I did not expect.
What were some of the biggest challenges you faced while working through your trauma? - One of the biggest challenges I faced when working through my trauma was overwhelming grief, the kind that wants to sink you into the abyss. Working through my trauma I became aware that one thing I had never done was grieve, anything. I compartmentalized and compensated, but I never allowed myself to grieve, and the immense amount I was carrying would not be pushed down any longer. So, having to function amidst this realization was incredibly difficult. Another huge challenge for me was being present with my kids through all that was happening. I have four children, ages 26-17 (at the time) and two have special needs. It was a lot to carry alone.
How did your healing journey influence the content and mission of “Necessary Grief”? - The healing journey influenced the content and mission of ‘Necessary Grief’ entirely. It is basically my autobiography and raw look into working with modalities to uncover all that I have experienced. Once I had really taken such a long and deep look, I wanted to use the book to help others have resources to uncover for themselves anything that may be holding them back from healing.
What role has mental health played in your personal and professional journey? - Mental health has always been an integral piece of my journey. I am diagnosed with Major Depression, and one of my sons has a serious mental illness diagnosis, and another has an autism diagnosis. When my oldest son struggled as a young child, I did a deep dive into mental health and navigating the system. I advocated and joined mental health advocacy boards, assisted families on their journeys and grew my knowledge to be effective for our family and everyone around us that needed help. As my children got older and I became ever more aware of the dysfunction in our own household, I threw myself into the trauma journey and asked my husband to go to therapy for himself.
How do you maintain your mental health while helping others navigate their grief and trauma? - This is such a powerful ask, and I am so happy it is being asked! I spend a lot of time journaling, using practices to keep myself grounded and centered, meditating, exercising, speaking with people who keep wise counsel for me, cranio-sacral therapy, energy work, rest, and continuing my own practices around Compassionate Inquiry and Internal Family Systems, daily.
What advice would you give to women who are currently experiencing trauma or going through a divorce? - Advice for women currently experiencing trauma or going through a divorce: It’s all about you. It’s not about anyone else. Make yourself keenly aware of why you do the things you do, why you feel the way you feel, look at how your family of origin has created the person you have become, and get as much support as you can from people invested in you and invested in your healing.
How do you approach the process of healing, both for yourself and for those you work with? - I approach the process of healing with a lot of presence, space, compassion, curiosity and attunement. I don’t have any answers for my clients, they hold within themselves all the answers. My job is to be a mirror for them, a really clear mirror, and to show themselves to themselves. I do my best to stay out of the way. We are on an even playing field. I am not above nor below them, we are meeting each other in session and I am reflecting them to them. I often have more questions than my clients expect, and I often hear, “No one has ever asked me that.” So, I believe being a safe container for someone’s experience is the absolute best thing you can do for them. For myself, when I can’t see myself with clarity, I go to my trusted therapist or my Shaman and get back into alignment with myself.
Can you describe a moment when you realized the importance of addressing grief in a healthy way? - For me, the moment that I realized the importance of addressing grief in a healthy way was an encounter I had with my son with autism. He notices everything and is very attuned to my nervous system. It was a moment when I was having a very angry reaction (slamming an olive oil bottle onto the counter) because I had just been seriously triggered by my husband, and I saw my son’s face, trying to make out what was happening. I realized I could no longer excuse or defend my angry outbursts, and I cried instead. I explained to him what had happened in the moment for me, and it allowed him to process and feel okay about it, and also to comfort me, which in reality was what I was really needing in the moment. Now, I am able to feel the reaction inside, but change my outer circumstance to reflect the reality of what is going on inside, rather than just reacting. It has changed things for all of us.
What has been the most rewarding aspect of creating “Necessary Grief”? - The most rewarding aspect of creating ‘Necessary Grief’ has been all the people contacting me to tell me how moved and inspired they are. Seeing friends, acquaintances and strangers talk about looking up the resources I have provided for themselves, so they can start using some of the modalities.
How do you help others find the courage to face their grief and begin healing? - The way I help others find the courage to face their grief and begin healing is simply by being present and available to them, non-judgmentally. I just let whatever is there, be there, and we look at it together. Being a safe space is incredibly important.
What strategies do you use to stay motivated and resilient during difficult times? - Strategies I use to stay motivated and resilient during difficult times is really still just a dive back into Compassionate Inquiry and Internal Family Systems, for me. If I am letting my parts show themselves to me, and I’m integrated within my internal system, my parts have come to trust me, and they work with me. Allowing a “part” that is having a difficult time to have space to show up and say what it wants to say is often enough for it to calm down. Currently, one of my practices is painting with my parts to allow them to express when they don’t have the words to do so. This process has made difficult times easier, because the parts are not so triggered, and they allow me the energy to problem solve and work out what I need to for the issue at hand.
How has your work with “Necessary Grief” changed your perspective on life and relationships? - My work with ‘Necessary Grief’ has changed everything, honestly. I am no longer the reactive person I was, I am able to look at relationships and everyday situations with a clarity that I did not possess years ago. I am able to act from a place of wisdom rather than triggering. Now, that’s not to say that I don’t get triggered, but I am able to hold it within me and respond rather than react. I am able to see what is mine and what is another person’s stuff. I have let go of inauthentic and harmful relationships. I hold beliefs now that allow me to see the world in a different way, one that is more complex and nuanced than before.
What advice would you offer to other women who are looking to turn their personal struggles into a source of strength for themselves and others? - Advice I would give to women who are looking to turn their personal struggles into a source of strength for themselves and others: Figure yourself out. Invest in yourself. Live in authenticity and alignment, no matter what anyone else is doing. Don’t be afraid to fail. Create boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Get rid of toxicity and make yourself as happy as you possibly can. Understand you are the director of your life.
What are your future goals for “Necessary Grief” and your work with Courageous Awareness? - My future goals for ‘Necessary Grief’ is for it to have as wide an audience as possible so that I can help others struggling through tough times. I would love to talk to women who have had serious childhood trauma, who feel lost in their lives, to reclaim themselves. I want to show others that in the midst of grief we can still show up for ourselves.
IG: @courageousawareness
Website: www.courageousawareness.co
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenifer-walsh-25163a17
