when the days blur
I want to sit back and watch
as the dark clouds of indifference roll in
I want the fog to slowly wind its way into my senses
breathing in the chaos as it breaks the locks
on my self awareness
like a moth to flame
I want to open the door to my demons
welcome them back to the party
toast them in floods of Jack and Coke
dance with them until the sun rises
to shine it’s judgmental rays on the aftermath
I want to let the madness creep into my eyes
forget the boundaries
forged so carefully in steel
dripping in self-worth
I want the urgency of a strangers mouth on mine
in a dark corner of a smoke filled room
I want to throw out the books
and let someone love me so recklessly
that it takes months
to recover the pieces of me lost in them
meticulously glue them bak together
just to watch them shatter again and again
I want to forget the pain hidden in the healing
but remember the ways of casually abandoning myself
to go back to that lonely girl
in a room full of people
screaming to be seen
but it comes out as laughter that’s a little too loud
as drinks spill and cigarettes burn
I want to go back to the days of lying awake
to 3am tears that paint black waterfalls on pillowcases
let’s throw away the progress in letting go
instead of sitting with the grief of what could have been
and counting the breaths until reality becomes clear
I want the new me to toss the keys to the old me
with a wicked grin of callousness
I want to drive off into the sunset of self-destruction
