Discovering one's inner strength and resilience often comes from a journey of self-discovery and healing. Esther Collas, in a candid and introspective interview, shares her transformative path from seeking validation and navigating trauma to reclaiming her power and rewriting her story. Through introspection, therapy, and the healing power of the ocean, Esther found the courage to confront her past, let go of victimhood, and embrace self-love. Her insights on overcoming societal expectations, cultivating resilience, and finding joy in life serve as an inspiring testament to the human spirit's capacity for growth and healing.
What were some of the specific actions or behaviors that made you realize you were seeking validation and sympathy from others?
This isn’t the easiest thing to answer in terms of specifics. Sympathy was never something I wanted on a conscious level. I hated when people expressed sympathy towards me. Yet, at the same time I needed them to validate my experience. I needed them to tell me it was wrong and not my fault. On reflection I was full of anger and pain, but I couldn’t admit that. Instead, I’d say I was OK with my past, that I’d moved on and dealt with it. It was within romantic relationships that I would seek validation more than any other. Although I kept everyone at arm’s length for over a decade. I needed the people I dated to tell me I was worth loving, because deep down I didn’t believe it. In my mind I was broken and unlovable. I would put up with partners cancelling on me, ghosting me for days and I would never say what it was that I wanted, I would change my needs to reflect theirs and say I was OK with it. I would convince myself that I was. At the time I never thought I needed anyone’s validation. An ex once told me he couldn’t keep validating me. It was only when I knew what it felt like to love myself that I saw exactly what he meant.
You mentioned that it took a lot of work, honest conversations, and time on the ocean to see your own patterns. Could you elaborate on what this process was like for you?
After moving to New Zealand from the UK in 2016, I took up surfing and the ocean had a way of soothing my soul. Spending so much time surrounded by water and stunning landscapes I started to feel true happiness. For so long I had numbed myself from feeling anything. When I started to feel the joy of being in the ocean, other emotions that I didn’t want to feel started to come up. You can’t have one without the other. I started to do all kinds of self-help books, courses, reiki, anything that I thought would quickly get rid of the pain. I remember one session with a reiki practitioner where she told me I had to let go if the victim energy. I never went back; because even though I wouldn’t admit to acting like or being a victim, she saw me and that scared me. It was during covid when I had no work and had to stop running that my nightmares began. For the first time I can remember I asked for help. I started to speak about my past, the sexual assaults, the pain, and anger I carried, within the safe confines of my therapist’s office. It was four months before I could open up and tell my friends and family what had been done to me that night, and why I’d shut them out. There was a lot of trapped emotions inside me, as my therapist said my superpower was my ability to dissociate. Since writing the blog post in September 2020 where I spoke about not only what happened that night but the effects it’s had on me. It’s been a slow process. I wanted a quick fix. There are none. The ocean has helped me heal in so many ways. It’s helped me admit to myself and those around me how I feel. It’s also helped me to find the strength to stand up for myself and share my story. The ocean is what it is, it can be both gentle and harsh, yet it makes no apologies. Every time I look at it, surf on it, sail on it, swim in it, I am grounded by its unwavering ability to be whatever it is in that moment.
How did you overcome the internal struggle of admitting that you were holding yourself back? Were there any key moments or realizations that helped you shift your mindset?
In 2023 I slipped into depression because of poor treatment at work. My doctors told me to do something to pull myself out if I wouldn’t take medication. So, I set sail from New Zealand to Tonga and spent two months sailing. I’d only been on a boat a handful of times at that point. Yet something inside me said I had to go. So, I did and that is where I really found myself. When you are on a night watch surrounded with nothing but stars, waves, and storms you really get to look inside yourself. I saw that the depression came from making work my safe space, Subconsciously I’d made it that way to hide from life. Whatever happened in the real world couldn’t touch me there. When that was taken away. I was lost. During that time on the ocean, I found my safe space within me. It gave me the chance to look back at all my patterns. I could see how I would abandon myself in relationship just to be loved. Never giving the other person, a chance to love me for who I was, as I didn’t let them see me. By the time I stepped off the boat I could see so clearly that I still hadn’t let go of the suit of armour I wore to protect me from being hurt, and I could also see that it held me back. For years when I looked in the mirror all I saw was a victim and If I’m honest, I found comfort in that label. It allowed me to hide from the world and make excuses for my own choices. Once I could see and acknowledge how I’d clung to the meanings I’d created about my experiences. I felt liberated. I could finally let go of them, of the past, the self-imposed judgement, and my victim mentality.
In your experience, what role does rewriting your story play in personal growth and healing?
It’s everything. As mentioned, I was always looking for a quick fix. I wanted the pain to not be there, but whatever I tried there was still pain. For a long time, I blamed everyone else for how I felt. I blamed my childhood, the sexual assaults, ex boyfriends. You name it I blamed it. I felt sorry for myself. The reality is that yes, awful things have been done to me, and in the moment, I was the victim, but it was my choice to continue to play the victim. It was only when I was forced to look at myself and my reactions to all aspects of my life that I could see that life wasn’t happening to me, but for me. I took responsibility for the part I had played in my life; in all my relationships and the choices I’ve made. I always needed control to feel safe, but I’ve had to learn to let go and accept things as they are. It’s not always easy. But it has helped me re-shape my story. I feel lighter in so many ways. Work is now a place of joy, but it is not who I am, it’s what I do. I’ve stopped pushing people away and sabotaging relationships. I’m healthier and happier and I’ve moved away from the blame and shame that I’d wrapped myself up in. Instead, I choose to stand in my power ready to face a system that is heavily stacked against me.
Resilience is a key theme in your journey. Can you share some strategies or practices that helped you cultivate resilience during challenging times?
I do a lot of things to keep myself grounded. I do energy healing, exercise, surf, sail, journal, breathwork, meditation, and therapy when I feel I need it. I have learned that I need to stay in my body and not let my mind go off on tangents, which it is very good at. Over the years I’ve found what works for me. I have become more in tune with my body and emotions, if I stop and drop into my body with mediation or breathwork then I know what I need to do to heal. If there are days, I feel overwhelmed, then I head to the ocean and let it heal me. I will scream underwater if I feel I need it. It is different for everyone; no two people are the same. I take time out and fill my own cup with me time. I also know that I can rely too heavily on that when I’m processing things. I can use it as an excuse to push people away. I am now able to see when I’m slipping back into old patterns. It then becomes my choice if I want to stay there or move forward. I’m aware that as a survival skill I can dissociate from heavy emotions, so one thing I try and do is let myself feel whatever emotions are coming up, without attaching them to an event. If I’m sad, I’ll let myself be sad and let it flow through me. I am not perfect at this, but I’m getting better. Not including time spent on the ocean, mediation is the thing that has really helped me to stay grounded and resilient.
How do you think societal expectations and stereotypes about women contribute to the challenges you faced, and what can individuals and communities do to support women in rewriting their stories and reclaiming their power?
I was raised in a society that told me and every other female that if anything happened it was because of something we did. Two very common sayings fill me with rage. The first one being “Well she was asking for it.” This is a saying that is uttered by all genders. Let me re-iterate no woman is ever asking for it. EVER! It is never about what we wear, what we say, what we don’t say, what we do, or what we don’t do. Yet, time and time again, we hear that saying. Or other comments that have the same implication, “Well she was drinking”, “Did you see what she was wearing”, “What was she thinking”, “I would never go there alone.”, “She shouldn’t have been there.” “She probably just regrets it.”
On the flip side, we hear “boys will be boys.” Which automatically takes away any responsibility from them. The implication is that they have no control over what they do. Girls are often told in schools that they can’t wear certain clothes because the boys can’t concentrate. The boys aren’t taught to concentrate, but the girls are taught that the boys’ responses are their responsibility. After all, boys will be boys. That saying is offensive to men. It implies that they have no control over their urges. Which is not true. I know so many incredible men, that would never dream of doing to any woman what was done to me. However, many will because they were raised in a society that told them there is an excuse for their behaviour if needed. It’s not their fault, after all, they have urges that they can’t control, and women wouldn’t act in a certain way or wear certain things if they didn’t want it.
Because of these sayings it took me a decade to admit to myself what was done to me. I closed it down. I blamed myself, just like I’d been taught to do. And that was not the first instance of sexual assault, but it was the worst. If people want to help, then they need to stop using these saying even in passing. Because once someone hears you say something like that you are no longer a safe space for them. The victim blaming in sexual assault cases has to stop.
You mentioned loving every part of yourself, especially the parts you don't like. How did you learn to love and accept those aspects of yourself, and what impact did that have on your overall well-being?
There was a long time where I hated what I saw in the mirror, and I’m not talking just appearance, even though I could easily pull myself apart. When I started to acknowledge my own choices, and chose to let go of the anger, blame and shame. I started to believe that I was lovable, but that the person who had to love me most was me. The earlier versions of me did everything they could to feel safe with the knowledge they had. How could I not accept or love those parts of myself or the choices that I made. I still slip back into old patterns, maybe that’s because I haven’t fully healed, and maybe I never will. But that doesn’t make me unlovable. It just makes me human. Once I learned to accept myself fully. I changed, I became more accepting, confident, loving. I started to believe that anything was possible. Life became magical.
Looking back on your journey, what are you most proud of, and what lessons have you learned that continue to guide you forward?
I knew that reporting what happened to me would not be easy. It wasn’t. It’s been a three-year process but this year I will take the stand and speak the truth about that night. Sharing my story and journey has already helped other survivors of sexual assault share their story. If taking the stand helps other survivors know they can do it to, then every moment of this has been worth it. To me every moment already is. As, I will get the closure I need when I take that stand and he has to face me, knowing that every word I’ve said is true. I’ve learned that I’m strong enough to do this, even though I sometimes don’t want to be. Everything that has happened in my life has given me the resilience and strength to face this head on. There is nothing I would change. Knowing that has shown me that I do not have to close down to the joy, love and happiness that is abundant in this world. If anything, I am ready to face the unknown not without fear, but to stand side by side with it and accept all the good that the unknown has to offer.
