I struggled to find the words to write this piece.
I struggled to find the words to even express how I was feeling for a very, very long time.
So much so, that it took me almost two whole years to write this, before I decided to published it.
Up until recently, I hadn’t learned about how important it was to find myself. Two years ago almost to the day, I almost lost myself entirely; both physically and mentally. And as hard as that is to hear, the hardest part for me, was learning to accept that I was enough.
But to do that, I had to learn how to define what it meant to be enough. The word, ‘enough,’ as defined by the internet, means a required or necessary amount of something.
Throughout my most challenging year, with struggling with what it meant to be enough, I had to learn that there is no word, ‘Enough,’ without, the letter ‘U.’
And just like the letter ‘U,’ there is no word, ‘YOU.’ And in this instance, there is no word, ‘Enough,’ without, ‘U.’
Cheesy, but true.
But in terms of being enough, I struggled with loving myself, and living for myself. And at one point, I lost myself. I had to learn how to fight for my own life and had to learn how to live it for myself, not for anyone else. I couldn’t live for my family, not my friends, not my relationship, not even with my fellow coworkers and colleagues, or anyone.
I had to live for me.
And in my darkest of times I had hurt myself and at one point contemplated what it meant to live and be alive, and I had to learn to live for myself. I also had to learn to love myself. And it was hardest thing I’d ever done.
During my journey, I had to practice gratitude for myself and I had to talk to myself and tell myself that I was enough, even when I felt broken, damaged, and weak. I had to learn how to grow out of feeling like I had to have acceptance from others in order to feel like I was whole.
For months, I had listened to family and friends and coworkers, and my therapist tell me to practice affirmations, gratitude, and to tell myself I loved myself in the mirror everyday. At one point everything was repetitive and it felt silly and stupid and strenuous. But at some point, I started to believe that maybe there is some truth to this, and that maybe it’s worth trying, since so many people kept telling me the same things over and over and over again.
Some mornings I would record myself in front of a mirror and I would practice saying that I was enough and I was not alone. And while it felt super cheesy and silly, at times it did help a little. But on days it didn’t I still had a lot to learn.
Nevertheless, I struggled with so much emotional pain each day, and it was hard. It served as a real challenge daily, and because of what I was feeling, it took me a long time to even begin to start feeling like I was actually healing.
And the road to get to healing was not an easy one, and if I’m being honest, I’m still on that very same road today.
The only difference from then and now,is that now, I know what signs to look for.
Some days I do fall three steps backwards and other days, I am a full sprint ahead.
But I’ve also learned that even on those three steps backwards days, that even with stepping backwards, it was all about learning and it was all about leading me to be who I am today. For every disappointing outcome, there was always something that I could look forward to and to use as my motivation. Even if it was as silly as a ‘lucky’ penny on the floor, a coworker buying me a cup of coffee, or even a sticky note telling me “good luck” for my math final.
But on those days with setbacks and zero motivation, I had to find a way to view a setback as a lesson worth learning, and another day worth living.
And during this time, I experienced painful days that felt like my motivation ceased to exist. And it felt like I couldn’t even get through the end of each day. There were days when I slept all day because it helped me escape the pain temporarily, or to delay it; it also created a false sense of “I’ll start over tomorrow,” without addressing or acknowledging the problems I had and the the bad habits I was creating. There were also days when I didn’t sleep at all, and my mind just kept roaming and creating stressful scenarios and situations that hadn’t happened. I spent a lot of nights crying and just wishing for the pain to be over. Nights wanting to start over and sometimes never wake up. I couldn’t shake this feeling no matter what I did.
And if you’re anything like me, which is an avid over thinker, you know what it’s like to have a brain that won’t shut off.
At times, my mind would wander and I would create so much stress and anxiety for myself that it became uncomfortable to function at work and school and even just to maintain the relationships I had with my family and my friends. I created scenarios that hadn’t happened and when it felt like my life was falling apart, I would begin falling apart too. At times, I didn’t believe in myself or stand up for myself and I didn’t want to ask for help. I also would stress so much for others that I wouldn’t put energy into stressing appropriately for myself. I neglected basic things like remembering to eat and maintaining proper hygiene.
At one point I had to grow and ask myself, the same things that I think most of us ask at least once in their life time. I had to ask myself ‘’Why?’ Why is this happening to me? Why I was mentally exhausted all the time? Why am I stressed out? I also asked myself why I always say yes to other people and why I couldn’t say no to myself. I asked myself “Why does this keep happen to me?,” along with my downward spiral of favorite self inflicting questions such as: “Am I good enough?,” “What’s wrong with me?,” and “When will the pain go away?”
If you’re still reading and you’ve made it this far, I’m hope you find this to be true, and know that I’m happy to say that you are not alone. There’s nothing wrong you, or with wanting to help others, or anything of that nature. However, if you start neglecting the most important person in your life, that’s when things start to hurt. And that most important person, should be you!
It took me a long time to realize that I was just as important as anyone else. It took me a long time to realize that I mattered and that I too, am meaningful.
Something else I struggled with was being a people pleaser during this time. And as I grew older, I learned the difference between being selfish and selfless. When you’re selfish, you only care for yourself and not for others. When you’re selfless however, you often care for others and their well-being.
After learning this, I decided to dive deeper into the meaning of what it means to help others versus helping yourself. When it comes to others, whether it is family, friends, coworkers, etc., being there for others can mean many things. Including being there for them for things like advice, providing financially stability, support for new changes and their dreams/careers, and more! When it comes to yourself however… you don’t. Or at least in this case, I didn’t.
I struggled with burnout and lack of motivation as well as severely damaged my physical and mental health. I neglected taking care of myself, not because I was lazy or didn’t want to, but because I felt like I had to make everyone happy to make myself happy. As a result, I put everyone else before me and neglected myself and my health. I struggled with eating, and soon lost weight I wasn’t trying to lose. I couldn’t sleep or at times I would sleep all day. And no matter what I did, I found myself to be discouraged and hurt. I was already battling anxiety and depression, and by me putting myself last in terms of making myself a priority only made things worse.
I had to learn how to re-love myself, so that I could live for myself, instead of living for other people.
Often times, I felt like I was doing so much for everyone, but not enough for myself, when I should have been realizing that I was actually doing a lot for myself.
I mean, here I was providing my loved ones with advice, love, support, money, etc., when in reality, I should have been taking my own advice. I should have been trying things differently.
I spent so much time abandoning things I needed to do for me, which in turn was harmful towards my physical health as well as my mental health.
I had to learn how to put myself first.
I’m not saying to neglect taking care of your children or your loved ones, but I’m saying that as a person, as an actual living and breathing human being, that you need to take care of yourself.
Something I didn’t truly understand until I became a mother, was that even though I needed to take care of my daughter, I needed to take care of myself too. Because if I didn’t take care of myself and eat for example, how was I expected to nurse and feed and take care of her as a new baby? If I don’t take care of myself, how will I have the energy I need to help give back to her and support her?
Was I even a good enough mother?
One thing I taught myself about moments of self doubt like this, is that you need to learn to love yourself. Your body is always hungry, not just for food, but sometimes, you need to feed your body good things like positive words and affirmations too. Expressing gratitude even.
And during my two years of self discovery, my body image and dysmorphia became a challenge too. Especially when I already struggled with depression and anxiety.
Something I’m sure we’ve all felt at some point in our lifetime. Even as mother to a now one year old I still see my body as something that is not what I consider to be “ideal.” I have stretch marks, I’m really thin, and my clothes don’t fit. And when I have those doubts, I have to remind myself of all the things my body has accomplished. I gave birth to a happy and healthy baby girl. And when I think about how amazing it is, that I created life and delivered it safely, I have to give my body its love and credit. I’m proud of it. I love my stretch marks. Instead of focusing on the bad, and in the things I hated about my body, I had to learn to identify things I liked about my body. I had to learn to actually love myself and the body I was born with. And I still had to try and practice feeding my body the love it needed.
And because of all of these things, I had to learn how to begin again. And I don’t mean saying “I need a fresh start.” I mean I had to begin working on my problems now, because at the end of the day, there was no right or wrong time or place to start working on my life. My life didn’t just stop because I had a rough patch in my past, and it doesn’t stop now during my the either.
The time to live the life you’ve always been wanting to live, is now! And you can do so many things with the life you have. You’re going to experience both good and bad days. You’re going to have longer feeling days when life feels heavy and like things won’t change. You’re going to have those days of boredom, or maybe feeling solemn. You’re also going to have days that fly by because you’re so happy, overjoyed, and having so much damn fun, that you lose track of time.
All my life I struggled with patience and I never realized it until two years ago. I struggled with time. And I forced myself to view my life as a timeline of events and scenarios that hadn’t even happened yet.
I was a young person who still had the whole world around me, and was so hyper focused on living in the ‘what if’s’ and ‘how’ moments of my life, that at times, made me realize that I was only existing in my life, not living in it. I constantly drew comparisons and compared my life to others. Instead of embracing my own. I doubted my own accomplishments and took things for granted. I didn’t value and celebrate my little wins from each and everyday. Instead, I grew jealous of the fact that my friends were all getting married, graduating, having children, excelling in their careers, and then there was just me and my problems. At times my anxiety would get so high that I would get cold, and my body would practice nervous tapping mechanisms in order to calm down. It finally dawned on me that I stressing over things out of my control. Something my mother has told me for years about myself, but never truly understood what she meant until I was about twenty-four.
For instance, I couldn’t control if and when I was getting married, because it hadn’t happened yet. I couldn’t control the way other people treated me, only the way I treated them. I couldn’t control the weather when it rained on my birthday. Or the fact that my car now had a flat tire because I drove over a nail while driving home in the dark. I couldn’t control the fact that I didn’t have big sums of money like celebrities. All I had was myself and my thoughts.
I used to put so much time and energy into those negative thoughts. Including comparing myself to others, and measuring their successes versus mine. I was literally stressing myself out and for no reason. And my use of social media did not help that at all. It was an obsession with my perfectionism. It ate away at me at times, and I had to find a way to tell myself that I was enough, I was worthy of whatever the hell I was doing.
I had to excel and view things in a new perspective by identifying what I could only control in that moment. And then adapt from there. I had to learn that even when things were not okay in the moment, that in time, those thoughts would pass.
I recently told someone in my life, that people are like trees. No matter how much crap we as people go through, we adapt. We are like trees. And like trees, we can grow. Trees can adapt to the weather during seasons, like people adapting to changing their clothes. Leaves fall like the hairs on our heads. People carve their names into trees, like verbal scars and abuse like people face from others. Branches can be cut, just like our own limbs. But as long as the tree has some green, it can grow. Like us, if blood flows, we can still live. Trees hold tire swings for children to play, like you hold someone in your arms. Trees can also be turned into treehouses and while they may no longer be trees, they may still be used to create togetherness, structure, or in this case a home.
You…you are home. And you, are enough.
So no matter what the case may be, please know that you are loved. You are enough. And you will be okay. Your journey is a beautiful one, full of good, bad, and everything in between. So cherish each moment deeply.
Two years ago, I had to learn that life is not a timeline. It’s more like a lifeline… it’s full of learning and asking for help even in the most difficult of situations.
I learned that asking for help is sometimes easier than doing things on my own. I also learned that it can also be harder too. The hard part for me, was the fear of feeling like a burden for asking for guidance, while also being prideful. I was too ashamed of asking for help when I was literally drowning in struggles.
The thing about that fear of being problematic for the ones around you, is that that fear is very much real.
However, the ones that truly love and care about you and support you, will stay no matter how awful things get for you. The ones that leave, will leave and once again, this is out of your control. You can’t keep them around you, and sometimes this is better for them and sometimes it can actually be bettered for you too. Nevertheless, everyone has problems and some people handle them better, while others handle them worse, but I think it’s safe to say that regardless, we can all agree that people handle things differently.
And that’s okay, because if we all handled things the same, none of us would learn for ourselves. And like I said before, you’re not living a life for someone else, you’re living your life for you.
I didn’t realize I needed help until one day I was at my breaking point, and I thought I was actually going to die. I felt lost, hopeless, and out of options. I felt like a failure. I had to learn that failure is only failure if you don’t learn something from it. The great thing about failure, is that even if you don’t realize it or see it… it makes a difference in your life. And I gained from this after failing and failing several times over and over and over again.
Some days, it hurt so much that I could hardly move. I felt alone. I was in pain. And there were times that I cried for hours and days at a time. My eyes growing puffy like a popeye gold fish.
It was hard.
It was really really hard.
What kept me from drowning that day, was deciding who I was living for.
Think for some, it’s their children, for others, it’s their significant other.
And for me, that day, it was myself.
I had to try and calm down.
I had to try and breathe slowly and cry for a second until the tears stopped. Because once my tears were dry, there was nothing I could do anymore but get up and do something.
Whether it was standing on the side of the road yelling about how much everything hurt, holding someone’s hand and getting that comfort and support from a shoulder to lean on, or going for a drive to clear my head, or simply just finding a distraction like working or reading or baking or hiking, whatever the case may be, I just needed to find what worked best for me.
So if you’re still reading this, and you’re feeling down, please remember to try, try, try again. Sometimes the hardest part of pain, is just opening up and talking about it. And knowing that it’s okay to talk about it was something that helped me. Having a safe space and respect and patience from those around me allowed me to gradually take those steps to healing at my own pace.
Healing is hard. Taking the first step is hard.
And knowing you are enough is even harder.
Once you’ve acknowledged that you’re not okay, and that you’re in pain, you’re already half way there. Sometimes that’s the hardest part.
While I can’t be with you in this moment, I hope that you find the air you need to take that deep breath and know that you are loved and that you are enough. Especially on your darkest of days.
You are important. You matter. You are enough, Remember to always love yourself and live for yourself.
Stay safe, and take that next step.
