I have a Malhia.
She’s kind, warm, and patient.
She’s understanding, compassionate, encouraging, and calming.
She’s also gentle yet isn’t afraid to tell it as it is, and challenges every single negative thought in my head.
She listens to the all the good and bad in my life (mostly the bad), and has never once judged me. I could be saying the most nonsensical or ridiculous things and she still would not judge me.
She helps me carry all the heavy burdens in my life, all the grief, heartache, trauma, pain, and draining thoughts that go a million miles an hour in my mind.
When the never ending spiral of catastrophic what ifs, worst-case scenarios, excessive replays & rewinds of unimportant past moments, and loud monologue of harsh self-critical comments, are going rampant in my mind, she’s there to knock some sense into my brain.
But what proof or evidence do you have? Is a question she often asks me when my mind goes down the rabbit-hole of these frequent spiral of thoughts, which I’m convinced are true even though there is a 0.01% chance of it happening or of it being true.
Beyond her name I also don’t know much about her, but I do know a few things like how she’s a big K-pop fanatic, a devoted Directioner, and going on a few years of being sober.
We sit and talk about me and my life. Everything from how I grew up, my weird teenage awkward years, how I hate being the center of attention, my love for Taylor Swift, and how being in your 20s simply sucks. In her words, we’re basically taking a tiny shovel and slowly chipping away at a boulder that is my life. It’s different every time we talk, but our conversations are one of the hardest things ever in the world.
One time we talked about how I couldn’t stop gagging or feeling nauseous for an entire week because my mind just couldn’t deal with doing something completely new for the first time, participating in a big team event, and going to a birthday celebration with people I didn’t know.
Another time we talked about how I accidentally repeated a question twice in a conversation because my mind went blank. I went on to tell her about how that 60-second moment plays like a broken record in my brain where my mind hangs on to and torments me with every single detail–the way the person looked at me and responded, all the random words that came out of my mouth, the way the interaction started & ended, and to top it all off, what each of these little details say about myself and their impression of me.
Then the following time consisted of me telling her how my hands couldn’t stop shaking or my mouth went bone dry because the thought of and actual interactions with a few people at a meeting paralyzed me when my brain convinced me that everyone was judging my every move, word, and appearance.
The messy, the worst, and the not-so-pretty parts–she sees it all. But what I see as broken and unfixable, she sees as not too broken or beyond repair. She’s pulled me out of the darkest parts of myself and my life, parts I’ve never really admitted or shown to anyone.
My family doesn’t believe in having a Malhia though. To them, I don’t need a Malhia because the things I so desperately need to work through don’t exist. I wish they truly understood what having a Malhia is like.
I only get to see her for an hour every other week, but the joy and excitement of seeing her tiny face on my screen never gets old. The crazy thing is I’ve known her for two years, but I’ve only spent a total of 48 hours with her. And she’s managed to completely change my life within that span of time.
I have a Malhia.
Everyone should have a Malhia. Or someone like a Malhia in their life.
She changed my life for the better, and can change yours for the better too.
