In the realm of personal storytelling, few journeys are as profound and courageous as that of Bayley Turner-Byrne, author of The Call of the Void: Memoirs of a Borderline. Drawing from her own experiences with trauma, mental health struggles, and the healing power of writing, Bayley invites readers to navigate the depths of her life with vulnerability and honesty. Starting her therapeutic journey at a young age, she transformed her pain into a powerful narrative that blends journal entries, poetry, and open letters. In this interview, Bayley shares how her early experiences shaped her writing, the challenges she faced, and the invaluable lessons she’s learned along the way. Her story is not just a testament to resilience but an inspiring reminder that, no matter how dark the path may seem, there is always a way forward.
- What inspired you to write The Call of the Void: Memoirs of a Borderline and how did your early experiences with trauma shape the book?
While growing up, I experienced a myriad of trauma. I was in and out of therapy starting at 12, and I was pregnant by the time I was 16 (2 kids by 19 and 3 by 22).
My first therapist put a journal in my hands and told me to try writing my feelings, and that’s where I buried all my inner turmoil. Between smoking cigarettes as a twelve year old and teen motherhood. Between heartbreak after heartbreak. Between complicated relationships of young adulthood. Between the days of my full mental breakdown at 25, where I stopped eating for a year. And between the days when I decided I wanted to get better and the days that it wasn’t easy.
I compiled this book with an assortment of personal journal entries, open letters, and poetry. The title comes from the French phrase “l’appel du vide”, which translates to “the call of the void”, which is the feeling of standing on a ledge and feeling like jumping. Along with anorexia (which I am now fully recovered from), I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (which is now in remission), and Post Traumatic Stress disorder.
Some entries were written in times of deep distress. The book does come with a trigger warning.
I self published it through Amazon originally in 2021. - Can you describe how journaling and writing became a therapeutic outlet for you during your difficult times?
Journaling and writing became a therapeutic outlet for me when I was twelve years old. I had a difficult home life and we had recently lost a family friend that I’d grown quite close to. I shut down pretty hard and wouldn’t open up to really anyone, other than through behaviour that was clearly a cry for help. The first professional they sat me down with put a journal in my hands and told me to write. I started to and never really stopped.
- What were some of the most challenging moments you faced while writing and compiling your memoir and poetry?
There were a lot of challenging moments while compiling The Call of the Void: Memoirs of a Borderline. I was twenty-eight at the time, I was (am still am) a sole custodial parent of three kids, full time employed, and in my last few months of outpatient treatment. I think I’m a lot harder on myself than I should be, and looking back I can really see how far I’ve come since not only before I started treatment, but even in the time since I published this book. My challenging moments are when I wasn’t patient enough with my kids or present enough with them, because I was so lost in my own struggles. - How did your experiences with mental health struggles, including Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD, influence the content and tone of your book?
My experiences with mental health struggles, including Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD influenced the tone and content of my book in a big way. I think for some people it is a deeper look into how it is to live with these things. There’s themes around starvation, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. But there’s themes around love and loss and how abandonment feels when you live with abandonment trauma. There’s themes around recovery too, and how hard it can be, especially in the beginning. - What was it like to revisit and share your personal journals and poetry in your book? How did that process affect you emotionally?
Revisiting and sharing my personal journals and poetry was really healing for me in a way. I think there’s a lot of beauty to be said in letting others know that we’re struggling or maybe even that they’re not alone. I think putting my thoughts and feelings out into the world was the best thing I could’ve done to make me feel safe to be myself. When the batch of pre-orders from friends and family came in, I was floored. I’ve received nothing but love and support from my community.
- How do you balance being a sole custodial parent, working a full-time job, and managing your mental health while pursuing your writing?
How do I balance being a sole custodial parent, working full-time, managing my mental health while pursuing writing? Lockdowns during COVID gave me such much needed rest time, I’ll tell you that much. I think any full time parent will tell you there’s not enough time in the day, but whatever little free time I have, I am usually writing. I try to make time for it because it brings me back into balance with myself. I can’t be a patient mother or manager if I haven’t made time for myself to just breathe. That’s what writing does for me, lets me breathe. Are there near constant interruptions? Absolutely. I still just make it happen when I can.
- Can you talk about the impact of your experiences with anorexia and how recovery from it has influenced your life and work?
Anorexia and my recovery from her has influenced my life and work in many ways. Anorexia and I became friends before I was even old enough to know she had a name. I ate just enough to get by for most of my life. I kept it “under control” until my husband left me at 25. I basically stopped eating all together until the day I ended up in the ER nearly a year later. I think while being sick the biggest influence in my life was my inability to think straight and striving to control every aspect of every situation. Being a perfectionist to such a fault that it destroys you. Recovery from anorexia brought me to the other side, where I can peacefully accept that I can’t control the chaotic world, but I can control how I show up in it, especially if I eat enough that I can actually think my actions through.
- What has been the most rewarding aspect of sharing your story through your book, and how has it resonated with readers?
The most rewarding aspect of sharing my story has definitely been the way it’s resonated with readers. A number of people have reached out and thanked me for it. A few of the girls that go to school with my kids have told me that I’ve inspired them. Friends of mine are even writing their own books now. I put it out so others wouldn’t feel alone and it’s rewarding to see it have that kind of impact, even on a smaller scale.
- How do you manage and cope with the triggers and difficult emotions that arise from revisiting your past traumas in your writing?
Coping with triggers and difficult emotions as they came up while revisiting my past traumas through my writing was not always easy, but it helped me face things that I’d put away because I couldn’t face them back then. I think there’s no moving forward without clearing space for it. I had to face the ugly side of things to be able to move forward. A big part of recovery comes in reshaping your thought patterns. By revisiting old thought patterns, it helped me in a lot of ways to structure my new ones.
- What advice would you give to other women who are dealing with similar mental health struggles and want to use writing as a form of healing?
If you are dealing with similar mental health struggles and want to use writing as a path towards healing, I really urge you to write what you feel. Don’t think about it, don’t structure it. Use writing in place of a poor coping mechanism and write how you are feeling in that moment. Revisit it when your head is clear and analyse yourself. Look beyond the surface and figure out why you’re feeling that way. Write a letter to yourself in that moment where you weren’t at baseline. Show yourself love and compassion.
- How has your journey through trauma and recovery shaped your perspective on mental health and self-care?
My journey through trauma and recovery has shaped my perspective on mental health and self care in such a way that there really is no turning back. I think there isn’t a person alive without some type of trauma, whether people choose to acknowledge that or not. Our trauma, no matter how big or small, shapes us into the people we are. Human beings are not solitary creatures by nature though. We need safety and community to be able to grow, but in the end, you’re the one that has to look in the mirror and live with yourself. You’re the only one that can pick yourself up on the ground and make changes in your own life, but doing that without support is going to be a lot more difficult. People need each other, and they need compassion over judgement. I think when it comes to mental illness, addictions, trauma – there is a community responsibility but not without an individual responsibility and commitment as well.
- Can you share a specific piece or entry from your book that holds significant meaning for you and why?
Here is a specific entry from my book that holds significant meaning – It’s about pretending to be fine while your life falls apart, and having to face that and admit that things are not always how they appear at surface level.
This isn’t what it looks like. This is what a lifetime of loss does to a person. This is crying endlessly for weeks. This is a skipped meal, or two, or three. This is every person that’s promised “always”, walking away. This is my hair falling out. This is disappearing from the world in a cloud of smoke and waking up to a disaster. This is the numbers on the scale and how it feels when they drop. This is what happens when no one is paying attention. This is screaming at my mom when I’m sixteen, and screaming at my mom when I’m twenty-six. This is open wounds bleeding, and bleeding, and bleeding. This is setting fires instead of putting them out. This is sorting your food by size, colour, or texture. This is the easiest thing I’ve ever done and somehow the hardest. This is the 911 call that broke my heart. This is how you know it’s not fine. This is begging your friends to notice anything. This is more broken glass. This is IVs and bloodwork and needles. This is the nurses promising you it’ll be fine, while the doctors seem less sure. This is constantly screwing up while trying to be perfect. This is me trying to make another escape. This is exactly what it looks like.
- What were some of the key factors or support systems that helped you through your recovery and writing process?
There were some key factors and support systems that helped me through recovery. I would be nowhere without my ex husband’s parents. I lived with them for a while and they have always been a huge support with my children. They cooked me dinner many nights early in recovery.
I also spent over two years in outpatient treatment through the eating disorder clinic at Hotel Dieu, in Kingston Ontario. I had an incredible treatment team, I received nothing but kindness and support from them.
While going through recovery, I also fell in love. I am blessed with a partner that has given me a safe place. Without which, I don’t think I would’ve been able to continue healing and processing trauma. There is no growth without dealing with the things that ail us. We can not face those things if we do not feel safe to do so.
- How do you maintain hope and motivation in your ongoing journey of healing and self-improvement?
How I maintain hope and motivation in my ongoing journey of healing and self improvement is through what I call Existential Hope. I know that I’ve made it through all of my worst days and have always come out on the other side. No matter what comes at me, I know I can handle it.
I wasn’t always like that though. I’ve put in a lot of work to change my perspective on not just myself, but on life. Spirituality has helped me a lot. Trusting that the universe only has my best interest at heart. I’ve learned to look at everything as a learning opportunity, a chance to better myself.
- What message do you hope readers take away from your book, and how do you envision it impacting others who have faced similar challenges?
The message I hope readers take from this book is that no matter how bad things get, no matter how lost or scared or angry you are, that there is a path forward. You just have to choose to walk it. It’s not easy, glamorous or fun. In fact you’ll probably lose so many people you once loved. But you can be whoever you want to be, you just have to do it. It does get better, but only if you make it better. It gets easier, eventually it will become your new normal. It is possible, and it is fully worth it.
IG: @bayleybayley
