In the journey of writing “In a Mind of Her Own,” Pia Ault transforms personal pain into a source of healing and empowerment. Inspired by her mother’s battle with dementia, Pia candidly explores the complexities of caregiving, emotional resilience, and self-discovery. Her story is a testament to the strength it takes to confront difficult truths, the courage to embrace vulnerability, and the power of self-care in the face of overwhelming challenges. Through her writing, Pia not only honors her mother’s legacy but also offers solace and insight to others navigating similar paths, reminding us all of the importance of empathy, acceptance, and personal growth.
1. What inspired you to write “In a Mind of Her Own,” and how has the process of writing it impacted you personally?
What inspired me to start the manuscript, was the fast decline of my mom’s memory and ability to care for herself, coupled with the amount of attention and support she now needs (but refuses). I am experiencing the struggle, as a daughter, witnessing these changes, yet unable to stop or slow down the process. The impact to me personally has been emotionally challenging, and accepting I can only do so much is very hard as I like to ‘fix’ things.
2. Can you share more about your mother’s influence on your life and how her dementia has shaped your understanding of her and yourself?
My mom has always been very controlling, independent, head strong and stubborn, not needing anyone to help her. It has always been very much her way or the highway. She was not emotionally available, nor did she show any weakness or vulnerability as I was growing up. This has made me very independent, and assertive, not shying away from problem solving or dealing with challenges in life. When her dementia became a reality, after her hip replacement surgery in 2018, I realized her behavior and character was becoming a magnification of who she has always been. A more exaggerated version of herself in a way. That also then made me see clearer how I made myself into a pleaser and ‘good girl’ to accommodate her controlling manner, for years, to minimize her anger outbursts, for example.
3. How has the journey of dealing with your mother’s dementia affected your mental health, and what coping strategies have you found helpful?
There was a lot of anxiety in the beginning of the decline, and a deep desire to help her as much as possible, which meant that I was burning out fast. I have not had healthy boundaries and the energy spent on her diagnosis, doctor appointments, tests, follow-ups etc., was dialed up with little to no selfcare or rejuvenation. Over the last couple of years, and perhaps because of the pandemic, I have been forced to focus on my own health. I have done so through exercise, hired a personal trainer, started yoga, engaging in retreats and sound bowl baths and reiki sessions when possible. One of my main coping strategies has always been time with my horse. She has healed me in more ways and continue to be my go-to, for calmness and reflection time.
4. What has been the most challenging part of writing about such a deeply personal and emotional experience?
The harsh realization that my mother is a narcissist, and that I was actually emotionally neglected, and often abandoned in my childhood. This is difficult to uncover and write about. I don’t feel victimized though; I believe my mom did her best as a single mother, but she made some selfish unhealthy choices. I am now realizing from my memories and conversations with my family, that she really wasn’t a nice person. On the surface, she always came across as a non-selfish, nice helpful woman, who would give her shirt off her back for someone in need, but there was always this covert expectation and martyr-like act, that she deserved something in return.
5. How do you navigate the balance between honoring your mother’s legacy and confronting the painful realities of her condition in your writing?
That is the difficult part of writing this book. It is so easy to get caught up in the painful reality of what she is like now: rude, suspicious, judgmental, unfiltered, angry, afraid, weak, helpless, undignified, and that is simply just the disease making her so. I am reaching deep to portray her life in a different light, and describing who she was.
That we do not, and cannot, control the loss of something that wants to happen. I cannot stop the progress of my mom’s dementia, nor the loss of her memory, mind, and cognitive abilities. So, I have to mourn this loss while I care for her in the most empathic way. Grief is coming forward to help me let go of my attachment to, and expectation of, my belief that I can fix this. Grief is a beautiful emotion that enables me to let go and move on in my own time.
6. In what ways has this experience forced you to explore your own past and childhood memories?
Writing about her has forced me into my shadow, taking a hard look at myself in a brutally honest way, facing a lot of repressed memories and realizing that I am in many ways similar to her, yet also trying to break the chain of narcissism.
8. How do you handle moments of overwhelm or emotional difficulty when writing about such a personal topic?
Fortunately, I have immersed myself in learning about emotions, empathy, and all things emotional intelligence for the past 10 years. I was part of the first cohort in author and educator Karla McLaren’s Dynamic Emotional Integration course on emotions and I became a licensed trainer in the program in 2016. It gives me the tools and resources needed to identify the emotions I experience; to regulate them and act accordingly. The empathic practices Karla suggests, including art helps me handle my anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, grief and confusion that pop up in the process of my writing. I also spend a lot of my time with my horse when I feel overwhelmed.
9. What advice would you offer to others who are dealing with a loved one’s dementia or similar challenges?
Understand first and foremost that Dementia is a disease and that it can and will alter the person in ways you never expect. Understand that you cannot control the development and prognosis. Be empathic, listen deeply to your loved one’s needs and do not judge, argue, or try to reason with them. They are in their own [safe] reality and do not understand consciously that they are any different than they used to be. Do not take it personal. Make sure you have resources and support and have an outlet emotionally and energetically, and practice selfcare often.
10. How has your work with Caballus Coaching and Consulting informed or supported your writing process?
CCC is my own coaching practice and includes equine assisted learning. I often write articles and blog posts related to topics my clients are facing. I actively journal and write about experiences the client has with the horse.
11. What role has self-care played in your journey, both as a caregiver and as a writer?
Selfcare has been my savior in a way that has provided energy recharge as well as anxiety reduction. I now prioritize it much more because I need the energy to care for my mom and I also need a focused mind to write. Writing is a calming tool in itself, so I try to write every day, even if it is only for 15 minutes.
12. Can you share a moment of breakthrough or understanding that came to you while writing “In a Mind of Her Own”?
It has to be the realization that my mom is a narcissist. It truly changed the way I see her, and my own upbringing. It has given me the understanding that I need to forgive her and myself for a lot of things.
13. How do you plan to use your book to connect with and support others going through similar experiences?
I envision that my book can be the ‘emotions’ resource foundation for a lot of others who are going through the painful process of caring for loved ones who have dementia. There are many brilliant books on the topic of dementia, and I own several of them, but I have found that emotions (such as shame or guilt or anger) often are not explored. I’d like to create a podcast with experts, and a circle / network where there is a safe space for carers to discuss the often-shameful issues that arise as a result of this disease.
14. What advice would you give to other women who want to write about deeply personal and challenging topics?
Don’t censor yourself. Don’t be afraid of using your voice and don’t overthink whether you will offend someone you know. Let it flow, just write, and worry about editing later. You cannot edit a blank page.
15. How do you envision your book impacting readers who may be going through their own struggles with grief, loss, or caregiving?
I hope my book will help readers welcome all their emotions and use them to act rather than sweep them under a rug or suppress them. I also hope they will see that the more they selfcare, the stronger they will be to care for the loved-one.
IG: @piaault3
W: caballusconsulting.com/about/
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/pia-ault-b40322
