Today, we’re delighted to chat with Caitlin (CTLN, a versatile artist whose journey is as colorful as her creations. Caitlin’s art and music is deeply connected to her life experiences and her unwavering dedication to staying true to herself. From her upbringing in different parts of the United States to her transformative moments grappling with vulnerability and self-discovery, Caitlin’s narrative is one of resilience, self-awareness, and creative exploration.
1) Can you tell us a bit about yourself and your journey as an artist?
Why does my mind go blank literally every time someone asks me this question? It’s like I’m suddenly the most boring person ever haha. In reality, though, I often get confused with this question. Most of us have this habit of listing off various identities we’ve prescribed to, such as career, age, personality, and where we’re from. While those shape our life, it’s not who we are. So do you want to know about the life that has shaped me, or do you want to know who I actually am? Those are two different questions to me.
Regarding my life, I grew up in Mendham, NJ, although I moved around to Orange County and Nashville briefly when I was younger. I’m the youngest of three girls with a classic New Yorker for a mom and a headstrong, ambitious beach boy for a dad. When I was 8 months old, I was accidentally burned by hot water by my babysitter while giving me a bath in the sink. I’ve had the privilege of growing up in a uniquely shaped body and not being defined by it. My parents let me discover how else I stood out, and boy did I find I was an eclectic kid. The scars simply highlighted and accentuated that intrinsic part of me. I wore the brightest and most outrageous clothing. I can be sassy and do my best to speak my mind even when I’m scared to. I have been singing since I can remember, and I’ve always had this dream of being a full-time artist, a musician and actor specifically. As I’ve gotten older, the importance of pursuing my dreams has grown exponentially. I’ve never seen anyone who authentically looks like me in the mainstream media, and I’ve been so excited to be the first. I don’t want to be tokenized in the diversity/inclusivity niche. I don’t want to be the sidekick, as I’ve often felt like in friendships and on stage. I want to be upfront where everyone else is, in my main-character energy, as someone who just happens to also have burn scars. I want to remind people that being different IS the normal human experience. I do what I do in the hopes that others are inspired to embrace their truth unapologetically, whatever that looks like for them.
Growing up, I was an Alto II in choir, did musical theatre, monologue competitions, and a cappella groups. I went to Boston University for acting school where I began learning my body, my voice, my traumas, and my habits in ways I could have never imagined. I’m a firm believer that acting training is life training at the end of the day. I now love infusing my theatrical side into my music and visuals. I was a senior in college when the COVID-19 pandemic hit, two weeks away from my senior thesis. I hit rock bottom pretty quickly. When the world stopped, I was forced to confront the part of me that needed to keep moving in order to feel worthy. I began diving deeper into my yoga practice simultaneously as a way to learn myself from the ground up and figure out how I got here. The process of getting my yoga teacher training certification COMPLETELY and quickly changed my life and how I view the world. I realized the truth of existence (who I actually am) and how the human ego causes separation and suffering. We don’t gotta go into all that right now. But, yoga made me realize that I am wasting my time on Earth doing anything but what I’m truly called to do: music. I was always afraid of singing in public, even though I did it so much, because I didn’t think I was good enough. However, I’ve found the deeper I know myself, the better I sound and the better artist I am. It’s because my voice and Voice are now grounded in my body and connected to my soul. Music reminds me of who I Am.
2) What inspired you to write “Realign”?
“Realign” is about vulnerability hangovers, aka when you’re beginning to practice being vulnerable and it takes all your energy to overcome your ego. “Realign” takes you on a healing journey from rock bottom to freedom as I realign with myself and my spirit.
The song idea was initially inspired by my experience admitting my secret dysfunctional relationship with food to my therapist 3 years ago. I wasn’t used to being truly vulnerable like this…That conversation was so tough because I have always been celebrated for my unwavering confidence as a burn survivor and now as a personal trainer, so it was hard for me to admit the ways in which I didn’t love myself yet. For the next two days, I literally felt hungover, energetically drained, and my ego was raging inside my head. My reaction showed me just how much pent-up shame and trauma I had released from speaking my truth, and how desperately my ego was trying to hold onto it. Only after talking with some people about my experience did I realize that vulnerability hangovers are a real thing! Speaking my truth aloud that day was integral to my healing journey because it empowered me to compassionately dissolve the power my ego had over me. The outro is the sonic representation of my realignment with Self.
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3) How does your personal experience with mental health influence your music and artistic expression?
It’s everything. I am on a soul-liberation journey above all else, and music is simply a medium in which I can liberate myself and inspire others to do the same. Being able to feel AND articulate my feelings through music is so uniquely satisfying and inherently healing. After all, we can’t make a change without the awareness first. We gotta feel it to heal it. That’s the only way towards peace. I lead by example, being as transparent and truthful as I can in my art, in the hopes that others can begin, or continue, this self-exploration and healing journey for themselves. We are the only ones who can liberate ourselves; no one else can do it for us. My journey with mental health (specifically anxiety and PTSD) is at the forefront of my current music, but the container in which I offer my truth is one of hope, radical honesty, and faith. I want to move beyond the pain. Don’t you? There’s a time and a place to feel, of course, but in a society addicted to pain and chaos, I find it a brave act to move towards the light.
4) Could you share some insights into the creative process behind “Realign”? What were some challenges you faced while writing it?
I went through 3 different producers and mixes before finally creating a world that I resonated with. I wrote the whole song in about an hour, which NEVER happens, and so I knew I had something special and ~truthful~. Unfortunately, the first producer flaked -_- which was super annoying because I was really passionate about the song and making this new like-minded connection (his loss). I shelved it for now, but I had already told myself that I would finish it. And I am a woman of my word! A few months later, I was in the car listening to Summer Walker’s new EP “CLEAR 2: SOFT LIFE EP” and I instinctively started humming “Realign” over her song “New Type” ft. Childish Gambino. And it was SO much better and more interesting with these jazzy chords and organic R&B feel. I then made an “open verse” to the song to post on social media as a tentative placeholder. A few months later, I got the opportunity to work with an amazing producer, Mikhail Beltran, who’s produced for some of my favorite artists, like Sabrina Claudio. I sent him the open verse and he was down to finish the song with me using “New Type” as a reference track. I always knew I wanted a beat switch up at the end of the song to sonically represent this “realignment” I spent the whole song singing about. And so I produced it myself after a spark of inspiration on a lifeguard tower alone while smoking a joint at night. Mikhail added some production flares on top to really create that ambiance I was going for.
I held a release party for the song at a wellness center in LA, incorporating a mix of mindfulness, yoga, and live performance. I wanted to stay true to the spirit and healing journey of the song in the experience I created.
5) How does your background and experiences shape the themes and content of your music?
As a burn survivor since I was a baby, I’ve always chosen to live my life unapologetically as myself. That means bright colors, bold statements, and showing my scars (both visible and invisible) openly. I hear all of these aspects in my music and song lyrics. Living my truth also means following my dreams as an artist in general and becoming the person who I wish I could have seen growing up. Despite what so many people have told me throughout my life, I have never viewed myself as “brave” for simply wearing shorts in public amidst stares and judgements from other people. When people tell me I am brave, all I hear is their subconscious pity and shame being projected onto me, because it implies I should be scared to show up as I am yet have the “courage” to do it anyway. God forbid someone like me just has intrinsic self-confidence without it having to be in spite of pain. What if I’ve always liked my scars? What if I just think it’s normal to be different?
Rather than being bullied (although it happened a few times), I was more just stared at and my experience as a burn survivor was rarely talked about. I have a good hunch it’s mostly out of other peoples’ avoidance with not knowing what to say and fear of offending me. If it was brought up, I often heard “I’m so sorry!!!” or it was handled in this off-putting way of placing me on a pedestal for just being a “brave” person with scars. It’s like it was a protection mechanism or easy way out for people to just call me “brave” without ever having to inquire about my experience living with burn scars. I’m mostly talking about adults. Kids are better at taking things at face value and moving on with their lives. I now see how these interactions (or lack thereof) translated into my own avoidance with processing and contextualizing my experience growing up. I didn’t even really begin to consider that this burn accident had caused me physical, mental, and emotional trauma until I was 18, because I was always so confident and seemingly “good”. As I’m transitioning into adulthood, however, the weight of the traumatic incident itself and the way it’s been treated by society has settled in. Lately, I’m finding that I’m asking more questions than finding answers. Writing music helps me find those answers. In my music, you’ll hear my radical self-awareness and the weighted perspective of a girl who had to grow up too quickly (and didn’t even know she had to as it was happening). I’ve written a few songs directly about my experience as a burn survivor, but I haven’t written one that I’ve loved yet. I know it’s coming soon.
Now, in my life and in my music, I am reclaiming the word “brave”. I am brave for voicing such a unique and raw perspective in the world in the hopes of inspiring this level of self-inquiry and healing in others. I am brave for speaking my truth through art. I am brave for choosing the light and transcending the painful narrative of “burn survivor” (or even “burn victim”) that has been stitched into my life story. I refuse to be a victim. I choose to just be what we all are: a loving and vibrant soul inside a body that has been shaped by life. It all comes back to spirit for me. Developing my spirituality through yoga during the COVID-19 pandemic truly catalyzed this conscious healing journey I’ve been on, and I hope you hear that in the music.
“Your problems, your past, your hurt, your trauma are not what make you special. What makes you special is your ability to discover and thrive in your Purpose in spite of all those things.” (Kipp 4) Claim Your Power
6) As a woman in the creative industry, what advice do you have for other women pursuing careers in music or the arts?
For artists specifically, acknowledge and (at least begin to) work through your performative or people-pleasing tendencies before searching for the entertainment industry’s and audience’s approval. We all have this learned behavior to some extent. It often manifests unconsciously, but it’s so detrimental to our sovereignty. It’s imperative to develop this awareness first, because if your intentions in pursuing a career are a projection of how you behave in survival mode, you’ll never be happy. You’ll just end up lonely in familiar cycles. With life in general, intentional mindset is everything.
For all women in the arts, nurture AND protect your softness. Protect your softness with intuition, not force. Be careful to wear a cage around your heart. Otherwise it’ll be hard to access the very source of your creativity. Instead of “thick skin, thin soul” reverse it: thin skin, thick soul. (that’s the tentative title of my upcoming EP hehe :))
