I do not speak about grief.
Unfortunately for lack of confidence in being able to express the proper words and secondly because the consensus is to not talk about it. As a society, the fear of being our truest selves and open to our rawest feelings, feels us with penetrating fear. We extend worn down condolences when someone we know experiences a loss. We may send flowers. We may write cards with thoughtful intentions but lost sentiments. We shy away from extending an actual opportunity for a person to tell us that they are indeed not okay and that they are not sure where to go from here.
Losing my mother, two years ago, was a life wrecking and gut-wrenching experience. And I do not believe those words do the proper justice. I, unfortunately, did not talk about the extent of my grief. I pushed on with my life. I went to work. I spent time together with my friends. I got up out of bed every single day. Each day, fighting back the feeling of loneliness and the urge to pull the covers back over my head. There is a scientific process of the steps of grief. But I feel like I pushed the timeline of those steps. Sometimes out of guilt for being labeled the sad one or the one nobody wanted to be around. I would use my comedic undertones in life as a defensive mechanism to shy away from confronting any sign of sadness.
We should encourage our friends and our loved ones to talk to us, even if the sun is out and you have spent an entire summer day on the beach with your friends. If something about the moment gives you a pause, then you should talk about it.
Sometimes, I will drive down the same roads that I drive down every day and something reminds me of my mother. It could be a word on a sign, it could be the way the clouds are forming in the sky or simply, the song playing on my car Bluetooth. I must allow myself to feel whatever feeling that arises. I must continue to feel my grief. I must continue to realize that I have lost my mother, that still presents a raw feeling inside of me. It has been two years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. Life goes on but we should speak about grief. We should be our authentic and rawest selves. In a world colluded with expectations, filters, divided lines and so much negativity, I would encourage us to speak.
We all should speak more.
