The One With the Surgery
We did it. I had no idea how difficult the ‘before’ was going to be, but now that I am experiencing the ramifications of my surgery, I can just exist. No going backwards, only forwards, and that’s much easier to cope with. There is definitely a lot to process, and a lot to be thankful for, but I thought I’d jot down my top ten observations of this new experience.
1.) This experience has redeemed the medical community for me. As someone with an autoimmune disorder, I’ve been met by a lot of confusion, condescension and apathy in the past and only really found one individual who was truly helpful. In this scenario, once I became connected with the Women’s Health Care Facility, EVERY individual I interacted with was knowledgeable, malleable and skilled. I feel very lucky.
2.) Obviously major surgery is a bear, but the surrounding elements were much more challenging. Coping with my own emotional rollercoasters, being fitted with a catheter for thirty-six hours, learning how to use different muscles during recovery, suffering through the normal hospital routine of poking/prodding every two hours, napping in uncomfortable positions, wondering if I would be able to eat anything. I mean, creature comforts are a huge thing, but knowing it was only temporary made everything bearable…
3.) I think every individual’s experience is different, but in my research one of the predominant questions was, “How the heck is this going to actually feel?” One particularly unhelpful woman quipped that, “It feels like someone cut you open and stitched you back up.” Retrospectively, that was actually a pretty good description, but my personal experience involves three sensations. You definitely feel like a rag-doll in that every abdominal movement pulls in two separate directions. I don’t know if I’d even describe it as pain, but the knitting sensation is very limiting. Secondly, the incision site feels like it’s on fire. Like someone took a curling iron to your skin and is holding it there. I’m super lucky, because this really only happens when I stand up, and now when I stand up for too long. And thirdly, it kind of feels like you did 5,000 sit-ups incorrectly and are now paying the price 🙂 And the price of your health deductible.
4.) I feel great. Not necessarily from a physical standpoint if I’m being honest, but emotionally I’m really solid. Actually, even healthier. I’ve already had restful experiences, interesting insights, better empathy for others. And I’m gonna toot my own horn over here; that’s because the work I did in preparation. I was afraid I was going to wake up feeling inferior or unsettled. I feel powerful. I feel authentic. I feel loved, even in my lacking. Rid of something that was holding me back. Appreciation for sunlight, sleep, peace, humanity, water, it’s all been multiplied and that’s a great gift that I hope continues.
5.) One of my nurses is due in August! She’s working through morning sickness and all the challenges pregnancy brings and it was lovely celebrating and commiserating with her. I’ll reiterate, mamas, please continue to seek me out as a resource in whatever way I can help you (other than babysitting). I don’t want to be a mom. I want to support kids and I want to support moms. You don’t have to hide your joy or your dreams from me…
6.) This is going to take some patience. As usual I operate on two extremes. In less than a week my restlessness is already palpable. I miss teaching. It’s hard to fully enjoy a forced vacation and I’m already starting to worry about my yearly goals. Lol. As my best friend encouraged, “just get done with the surgery and you can move on to worrying about something else!” Boy she knows me well. Conversely, I can already imagine hopping back into the gym and truly wondering what my body is actually capable of. It’s gonna be a journey of balance and patience, and I can do it.
7.) It took several days but I finally viewed my scar, and it’s actually quite beautiful. My friend gave me some great advice so I lit a candle, put on some music, and gave the situation a little less gravitas. Though enthusiastic to discover my scar was quite lovely, I bristled at the immediate return of judgement. It’s the rest of my body I continue to have a problem with. But I’ve got 20+ years of experience dealing with that, and the new challenge of taking this body out for a test run soon, so that gives me better things to focus on.
8.) I’m really proud of myself and my body and the way I handled this situation. In areas that were out of my control I relinquished it, and in areas where I needed to stand up for myself, I did. I’m letting my best friend help me, I’m keeping my parents in the loop, I’m expressing myself and I’m holding my boundaries. It’s pretty good considering I’ve never done this before! Everyone was super complimentary on the ‘stuff’ I brought. I thought I had done a good job preparing, and I was right.
9.) I CAN do recovery on my own. I knew I was right. It’s amazing in life’s challenges how quickly people rush in with their own opinions. I don’t think I would ever do that, outside of an educational setting. Maybe I’m delusional, but we all need to talk less and listen more. Truly knowing yourself. Your capabilities and your failures, this has got to be central to understanding others and understanding your life’s purpose.
10.) Healing is a comprehensive thing that is ongoing. It was so lovely to have so many people reach out during the days I spent in the hospital, but that’s such a comparatively small experience to the rest of life or recovery in general. Being in community with each other and consistently recognizing that we are all human is a never ending process.
Bonus points, I also got to keep my ovaries 🙂 So now I also get to experience menopause with the rest of y’all in a couple years. Let’s do this.
