To be the one that breaks a heart- the (not so) easy story of the one that leaves
So It happened. I realise it in a very unexpected moment. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I can’t.
Well to be honest I didn’t realise the relationship was over. I just stopped pretending it wasn’t. All the small things, thoughts and gut feelings that I had and that I consciously or not decided to ignore for so long merged into a monster that I had no choice but to face.
I’m gonna have to do it. I’m gonna break this person’s heart.
After admitting that it was the end of a relationship that lasted five years I started interrogating myself. Why? People usually leave for a reason. Infidelity, toxicity, …the list goes on. As I did not fit into any of those cases I started to feel guilty. I was not legitimate in wanting to leave a ‘good’ relationship. A relationship where I was never mistreated, cheated on or disrespected. Of course like every couple we had ups and downs but nothing that could justify a sudden breakup. While I have always been convinced that I was doing the right thing I (and probably years of patriarchy absorbed over the years) could not help but think I was ungrateful, even greedy for wanting more than a man who treats me well. Why would you leave a “happy” relationship?
Maybe because the relationship looked happy but I wasn’t.
The only and more sincere reason I found for this breakup is that I fell out of love. I stopped loving him. I don’t know when and I don’t know why. Because as simple as it may sound it’s hard to explain it, to pinpoint a moment, to realise it’s happening.
Over the months, everything started to feel dull, I did not enjoy his company or the happy moments like I was supposed to. All I can say is that I couldn’t remember who I was before him. I purely lost myself in this relationship. We were still here but I wasn’t, I started to fade, slowly disappearing from the picture. The premise of what was to come. At first, I unconsciously tried to convince myself that my feelings were typical, that it was only the end of the honeymoon period. It wasn’t. Feeling alone on holiday with your other half is not typical.
Breaking up with this person was one of the hardest things I had to do. Because I know he did not deserve it. He didn’t deserve the pain, the sadness or the questioning of his own worth. He deserved someone 100% present, who gave him back what he had to offer. He deserved what I couldn’t give him anymore.
In my case, the decision to leave came with a multitude of feelings I struggled with. One of them was regret. My biggest regret is that I wasn’t honest. With him but also with myself. By pure fear of admitting it, I tried to hide all the signals showing me that something was wrong in our relationship. I hid until I couldn’t anymore. And when the denial box is full it starts showing. Then I saw it all. It was overwhelming but this time I couldn’t ignore it anymore. The thought I tried too hard to erase materialised and I had to face it, to look at it. The end of us.
Being the one who breaks up isn’t easy but is it possible to evoke those difficulties without feeling illegitimate? Because let’s face it, the worst position will always be for the ones that stopped being loved. The ones that don’t choose to have their heart broken but still will have to rebuild it after that.
Despite being in the “best” position, I suffered, too. I had to accept that to feel myself again, I needed to hurt him. The idea of hurting someone who was still such a big part of my life and for whom I still had a lot of affection was unbearable. I felt selfish. Selfish to sacrifice us to save myself.
Thankfully I now understand that it’s more selfish and dishonest to stay in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil you anymore. To stay because we are scared to hurt, scared to be alone or scared to disappoint will never be a long-term answer and as painful as it can be, we need to accept that we are about to hurt a good person. And it doesn’t make us bad.
Once the separation was official, I announced it to our friends and family and I had to deal with their reactions. While some of them were understanding and supportive some others couldn’t hide their shock in a way that made me uncomfortable. It was like we won the prize of the best couple of the century and I was just made aware. We were perfect for each other, we had the best chemistry and no one would have ever thought about us breaking up. Of course, this was the idea they had of us. Our best version.The one that if it ever existed was long gone. I’m conscious I’m partly responsible for their reactions as I’ve never spoken about my feelings. Which, now I know would have been helpful. Therefore I’m not blaming them for having a normal reaction to the news.
Still, it was tough for me to listen to people praising the perfect couple we were in their minds and to find rational answers to their interrogation when I was somehow in the same state as them—lost and shocked.
Needless to say, many times I felt low following our separation. And during those moments of down the words of those people, their interrogation and their confusion came to haunt me. Without knowing or wanting they deepened my feeling of guilt.
Now that time has passed and I’m comfortable with the idea of writing about it I can say that it was the best decision for both of us. I had to deal with a few negative thoughts and doubts, including about the image I had of myself and my capacity to communicate but I also learned that I’m brave. It requires bravery to leave. Going through guilt, doubts, and loneliness for yourself is courageous and should be talked about.
I sometimes witness people staying for the wrong reasons. Because It’s comfortable, they are scared to be alone or their family and friends love them. They don’t anymore. But still, they stay.
We did not deserve that I’m glad I did not wait too long. To the point where everything he said and did annoy me, where every gesture or joke that I once loved pushed me away a little bit until I disliked everything about him. I would never dislike him. And despite the pain I caused him, I hope he doesn’t too.
Even in our separation, we continued to be what we always had been for those five years. Respectful and wanting the best for the other. The best for me meant that I needed to leave us to meet myself again but I previously kept with me all the good memories we shared and that will help me to build my next relationship, maybe the most important, the one with myself.
