This cannot land in your junk mail.
I was in high school.
Thinking of myself as an actor in my life.
I desperately sought to fit in.
So, I mesmerized Lil Wayne lyrics.
I wrote letters that spoke of feelings I had never even felt fully.
I so desperately sought to fit in.
Rarely did I.
I was in my early 20s.
Thinking of myself as an actor in my life.
I desperately sought to fit in.
So, I loved men that never once said they loved me back.
I started smoking cigarettes to bide time from one heartbreak to another.
I so desperately sought to fit in.
Sometimes I did.
Rarely did I.
One summer day back then, I drove to these fields, off these country roads.
There was something about this small house.
Abandoned. I don’t know how long.
I so desperately wanted to sit on those steps.
Thinking of myself as an actor in my life.
I so desperately didn’t want to drive back.
I could have stayed.
I would have melted into the grassy field, layered with cotton vines. I would have tucked myself under the scorching sun.
I so desperately sought to fit in.
Did I ever truly fit in anywhere?
Only places where the Earth was connected to my skin.
