The One Without a Baby
I remember when I was in elementary school and one of our teachers was going on hiatus for (gasp)…(in hushed tones)… . “a hysterectomy” (peas and carrots, peas and carrots). I DISTINCTLY remember the tone and vibe as everyone whispered, and it became exceptionally clear to me that she had done something wrong. There was some sort of shame attached to her condition and I just didn’t understand what it was.
Cut to my own adventures through the years. I never played with dolls, though stuffed animals are still an obsession. I didn’t have any imaginary friends, only imaginary…pets. Hit my first period like clockwork, nearly to the day of my 13th birthday. No real disasters. I was VERY careful not to get pregnant in high school by avoiding boys completely until my thirties. I have no siblings, only babysat one time in my life, and I believe I’ve held ONE baby in my entire existence. This I was totally okay with.
I navigated the rocky landscape as my young friends started to get married and make people while in their twenties. This, to me, seemed totally foolhardy but I would never say such a thing! It was very clear to me that the church wants families ASAP, and the younger the better. Forget that Paul says that very few of you should get married, there’s no good age to voice this opinion.
For that matter, I don’t believe it applies to everyone, it just seemed odd that SO many people were rushing into everything. I don’t actually begrudge anyone anything, it was just painful how many conversations I had to sit through where a new mom was waxing philosophical about how her life only came to fulfillment when she had children, and previously, she had been selfishly living for only her dreams and desires. I tried to stay neutral in these situations, attending wedding after wedding and baby shower after baby shower. I’ve been wrapped in toilet paper, bought bouncing baby buggy bumpers and stuffed animals I would have rather kept for myself. But this is what you are supposed to do as a woman in society! I guess?
My parents were awesome. Other parents were not. I’ve been besieged by a barrage of parents hoping to marry off their attractive, available sons. “Don’t you want children someday?” No. Actually I don’t. I’m having a hard enough time teaching yours for the rest of my life.
I love teaching. Kids drive me insane. They also put a smile on my face, make me cry, and give me a reason to get out of bed every morning. And THEN I send them home to you. I did have about 24 hours of mourning, immediately heading to Disneyland! As I shed a few tears over an ice cream cone, I realized with horror that I had traveled to the very place populated by the children of the world. Anyone who knows me knows that children flock to me like cotton candy. I think it’s because I make eye contact with them? Or maybe teachers smell like blossoms of pencils and hand sanitizer? I don’t know, but I treat them like the little humans they are, and I think they dig that. So here they come. Like the Pied Piper I tried to dodge them all day as they reached out for my hair, made funny faces and accidentally grabbed my hand. I DID think of all the amazing men that had come into my life and what amazing fathers they would have made. Or could make. But not with me. And just as quickly I realized I was mostly concerned that children wouldn’t be in my life. But I wasn’t really concerned about them being in my home, if you get my drift. The rest of my day passed much more smoothly as I realized I had been crafted and created to mold young minds for the rest of my life, and that didn’t mean popping them out in a hospital. I’m birthing artists. That’s my true path.
So, it only took about 40 years to shout from the rooftops, but let’s celebrate the fact that I don’t have to have a baby! In another life I would have bent myself and my body around a partner’s desire to have kids, but in this one, I’m mostly excited about getting a dog. If this offends you, you might ask yourself, why? I’ve LOVED celebrating your special day and distinctive path…and now it’s time to celebrate mine 🙂
