It was the end of my first week, at least that’s what they told me. I’d wandered up to the nurse’s desk, grasping onto the counter to keep my balance and asked, “When did I get here?” about three times. It was Tuesday and I’d gotten there on Thursday. Anxiety rose into my throat as the medication I’d received earlier wore off. It hadn’t really worked in the first place, only slowed down my impending panic attack. What’s going to happen to me? What do I do after this? I couldn’t ease my thoughts as I searched for one of the social workers I knew smoked. Maybe some fresh air would help.
“Hey can I bum a cigarette?”
“Yeah, let me grab my coat.”
I followed Sara outside, led by a cigarette just out of reach. Shivering, it was safe to say I hadn’t been of sound mind when I packed for the 20 degree weather. Sara didn’t even flinch in the cold. She oozed a bubbly personality from within, meanwhile I didn’t want her to see me cry. The lump in my throat throbbed and it was increasingly hard to keep my composure. She sat on one of the picnic tables, still able to look me in the eyes as I stood smoking along side her. I didn’t expect her to smoke a cigarette with me. Laughing, she pulled out a lighter, lit hers, then kept the flame going so I could light mine.
“Is that a white lighter?”
“Sure is. What are you superstitious?”
“Yeah, a little.”
She rolled her eyes at me. I stared at the ground, allowing silence to surround us. I felt my worries take over my thoughts again. Is this really where your life is at right now? What makes you think you’ll survive on your own?
“Is this worth it?”
“Yeah grass is greener. People will show up just because of who you are and it’ll surprise you.”
“Mhmm”
“Done a lot of self work, therapy, medication. I’m single and happy with myself,” She took a drag from her cigarette, “you gotta let that shit go.”
“I know”
“It’ll keep you down. Are you terrified?”
I couldn’t stop my tears at the corner of my eyes like I had been doing the whole night anymore. I looked away as they began to trickle down my cheeks. I was a little over halfway done with my cigarette.
“Of what?”
I tried to answer but the lump in my throat stopped me.
“Life out there? Life after this?”
“Yeah. I am”
It came out as almost a whisper. My mind flashed to the chaotic life I’d created for myself. The days and nights had blended together, wasted by bottles of liquor. For years it was the only comfort I knew, the solution to all my problems before it became the real one.
“Been in and out of places like this too. It’s scary. It’s safe in here. Out there life comes at you in an instant. You gotta pick and choose your battles. You’ll get to.”
“I guess”
I put out my cigarette and turned to go back inside waiting for her to open the door. Instead she grabbed my arm and wrapped me in a tight hug.
“You’re gong to be okay.”
