I used to think I knew everything there was about love. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I craved.
You see in movies, the guy standing outside the girl’s house, holding a boombox. He’s blasting their song so loud, that the whole neighborhood gets annoyed. That’s the kind of love I craved. The kind where you look into their eyes and their love for you is burning right through them. I wanted that.
On the days where I’d be too sick to care for myself. My love would be there, holding a bowl of soup for me, ready to watch my favorite shows together- even if it wasn’t their favorite thing in the world. That’s what I wanted for myself. I wanted to feel cared for, to feel safe in another person’s arms. I wanted to feel noticed.
I fell in love with someone who couldn’t love me in the way that I needed. They left to chase their own desires. However, deep down I realize that might be the nicest thing they’ve ever done for me- despite how painful it was.
I wasn’t strong enough to leave my avoidant to find my happiness. Deep down, I knew that I couldn’t be happy in a relationship like ours. I just was obsessed with chasing the idea of them loving me endlessly. The thought that one day, if I give them just enough of myself- they’ll finally love me the way I want to be loved. Adored me the way I want to be adored.
My avoidant gave me the greatest gift: the gift of letting me go. I was alone to search for my truest self and a relationship that makes me feel loved and cherished. To chase the parts of me I buried so very deep inside- just to keep the relationship.
I don’t have to shrink myself just to feel a drop of another person’s love.
I know that now.
I’m choosing myself this time and for the rest of my future.
Now, I realize there’s so much more to love than I originally realized. Perhaps, love is letting go. Letting go of the things in life that leave you feeling unimportant. Letting go of the attachment that pained me for so long.
But maybe, nobody knows what love truly means. Perhaps, it’s different for everyone. All we can do is chase the things that make us happy. Life is too short to waste it with someone who can’t love you for being you. My spark is here to stay and to settle for something that kills it, would be a shame.
We’re not trapped to one thing for the rest of our lives. We should be with someone who loves us for who we are. Someone who doesn’t see our flaws as flaws, but as something to love endlessly.
