In my early 20s, a man I had known for quite some time, but not quite long enough, asked me to marry him. I thought about it for a few days before in so many words, I told him no. I can’t remember his name all these years later. I have a brief memory of what he looked like, but it fades as the years turn. Sometimes, I’ll tell the story with a hint of laughter. Sometimes, I’ll tell the story, to advise other women, that in our early 20s we don’t quite have everything figured out.
Being in my mid-30s, almost 35, I have fallen in love, three times. Each time, the heartbreak, more devastating than the last. Each time, I thought that if I did this thing or that thing, I would not lose the person I was in love with. They would never have a passing thought of leaving me. But I was wrong, in each circumstance. The last heartbreak I experienced may have been the hardest. Not because of any real betrayal, like in some of my past relationships, but because it was unexpected. I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye and the goodbye was forced in a very real way. I thought back to that time in my twenties when I was asked to be someone’s wife, and I declined. I wasn’t ready to be married. I barely had my life put together. I was struggling with my job. I was living in a situation where I didn’t want to be. And I was twenty-two. I thought that there was plenty of life to live. Places to be. Things I wanted to do. I thought that love would find me at the right time.
Never in my wildest thoughts did I think I would almost be thirty and not married. For a person that wanted children. At least two to be exact, I never imagined I would be this age without the children or the partner. I say all of this to say that we never know what the trajectory of our lives will hold. We always try to outline each second. We try to align ourselves with our goals. But life rarely follows our expectations. All little girls are taught dreams of living a fairytale. You will meet Prince Charming. You will have beautiful children. You will have a beautiful house and live in a nice cozy suburban area. But those are indeed fairytales, unfortunately.
When Valentines Day arrives, every year, I watch so many couples celebrate their love for each other. Candy is given. Flowers are given. Grand gestures like proposals happen. I watch all these things, and I tell myself that it is okay to be where I am. That I can treat myself to all those things. I can love myself above it all. Some Valentines Days have been harder than others. Some feel lonelier than others. Some have made me feel like failure and wanted me to find the farthest corner to hide in. But with each passing year, the one thing I tell myself is that life will follow its own path and that the love I give myself is unconditional. I can always count on myself to be there for myself.
When I was twenty-two and didn’t accept that guy’s proposal, I sent my life onto another trajectory. I fell in love once again and it did lead to heartbreak. And that heartbreak led me down another trajectory. Almost two years ago, when I experienced my last heartbreak, my life led me down another path. With each experience, I have found myself in a different place than before it. On this Valentines Day, I will spend much of my time working and then when the night approaches, maybe watching a basketball game or maybe a movie. I might treat myself to Thai food. I might not.
If I would have gotten married, I’m not sure where my life would be. But out of all the wisdom I have gained since then, the most important thing is that even when life doesn’t necessarily follow our expectations, we make it through.
Love yourself.
