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Mental Health

Happy…Ish

Happy…ish

“Am I happy?”….The words currently running through my head after a happy hour turned into a massive hangover.

One beer…two beers…not going to mention, how many more beers…and two tequila shots later.  My life has felt like groundhogs day for awhile. Wake up, work, probably work late, miss my yoga class, vow to wake up early, sleep through my alarms, work and work late and the cycle continues.

I sound like I’m complaining – it’s not all bad. I have great family and friends, I travel on weekends, I have a stable job and a solid income and live in a great city.  What more could a girl ask for? But there’s something missing. I know I’m stuck and I know there’s somewhere else I need to be.  But how do you leave your life for something else? Am I suffering from “grass is greener” syndrome? Will I regret the decisions I make? And I know so many people who keep asking themselves these questions. How can we have so much, but still feel like we are lacking something? Does it ever feel like we have enough?

I moved for a guy – instead of moving to Colorado a few years ago. A choice I haven’t regretted.  But that relationship didn’t last – and the hole it left was a big one.  A few trips to Denver later and it felt like home.  I didn’t feel so lost there. I didn’t feel so alone. I know if I stayed I would be okay. I would be happy…ish. But I can’t help but think that I could be so much more than happyish.  I have this gut feeling that it could be so much better. I have preached for so long that we have to live EVERY day to our fullest – so am I being a hypocrite by staying? Or am I being selfish by not being happy where I am?

So what do you do when your heart is being torn in two separate directions? And how do you fill the space while you figure it out?

Author: Meryl Spurlin
Instagram: @merylspur

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