Meet Christine Wang, a resilient soul who embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing after realizing the toll of low self-esteem and toxic relationships on her happiness. Christine’s story is one of courage and transformation, as she found the strength to rewrite her narrative, break free from codependency patterns, and set healthy boundaries in her relationships. Through therapy, supportive friendships, and an online community of women with shared experiences, Christine learned valuable lessons about self-love, worth, and resilience. Now, with a newfound sense of confidence and purpose, Christine is thriving in her career, pursuing personal goals, and embracing a happier and more fulfilling life. Join us as we delve into Christine’s inspiring journey of growth and empowerment.
What inspired you to start rewriting your story?
I had known for a long time that I wasn’t happy with how I was. I had low self-esteem and extreme people-pleasing tendencies, and I didn’t know how to put myself and my own needs first. As a result, I wasn’t truly happy with myself for years. I suppressed who I really was in order to fit in with everyone else, even well into adulthood. Sometimes, I acted out and behaved in ways that I’m not proud of now. It took me a long time and a series of failures and losses for me to understand that I needed to make a change.
Can you describe a specific moment or realization that prompted you to begin your journey of self-discovery and healing?
It was during my last relationship I was in. My partner turned out to have many issues of his own, and he would lash out and project his own insecurities at me, and he was verbally and emotionally abusive, and borderline physically abusive. Even though he was slowly isolating me from my friends and family and successfully made me think that I was the one in the wrong and the “crazy one”, I still tried to stay and “fix” him. I tried to walk out on him several times, but he always cried and screamed and guilt-tripped me into coming back. You cannot fix people that don’t want to be fixed. During one of our final fights before our breakup and one year into our relationship, he stormed out on me (because I got home 10 minutes late from work due to traffic, shared my location with him, and he still was convinced I was out cheating on him), and I had sent him a text asking him to come back and that I loved him. He replied to my message with a “ha ha” response (on iPhones). Something snapped in me then, that this isn’t what I wanted. He wasn’t who I wanted. I do credit my therapy sessions with this, but I finally got the strength to walk out on him for good, and I never looked back.
How did you first recognize the patterns of codependency and toxic relationships in your life?
Strangely, it was during one of my final clinical internships for graduate school. I had a wonderful supervisor who was invested in my success, and he sat me down one day and flat out told me that I was too passive, and that I was letting my patients run the show. That if I didn’t learn to become more assertive, he would fail me in my affiliation. A light bulb went off in me that day. Even though I learned to be more assertive, I still didn’t know the roots of why I behaved or thought the way I did (people-pleasing and never standing up for myself). It wasn’t until a few years later that I met a woman who was confident, smart, and assertive, and wasn’t afraid to be blunt with me about why I was settling in my job and my relationship at the time. She later became a supportive friend. More on her below.
What were some of the biggest challenges you faced during this process?
Forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past, as I tend to be very hard on myself. Slipping back into patterns that don’t serve me, even currently. Coming to terms with the fact that change and recovery will feel like two steps forward and one step back, and not beating myself up whenever I do take that step back.
You mentioned meeting a high-value woman who became a supportive friend. How did her influence impact your journey?
This is the young woman I was talking about above. Oddly, she started as a volunteer in a hospital I was working at, and because I was such a people-pleaser, I took on the role of unofficially supervising her. During that time, I found that I respected her work ethic and confidence and assertive, though she was years younger than me. We later became good friends, and she was the one who held nothing back in asking why I was settling for a job I didn’t seem to really like, and told me she thought I could do much better in my relationship (I was in a relationship at the time with a man who was manipulative, disrespectful of me, and was openly misogynist, yet made me believe that I was the problem. Seeing a pattern with the relationships I got myself into here? Yeah, looking back, I do, too). She later confided in me of her own journey with low self-esteem and depression in her late teenage and early adulthood years, and told me of the work she went through to become the confident woman she is today. She sent me the books she used, the daily affirmations she would tell herself about how she was worth it and she was enough, and how she went through years of therapy to turn her mindset around. When I got myself into toxic relationships, one after another, she would be the one to tell me that I deserved better, encourage me to break things off when I wasn’t happy but was too scared to leave (and be single), and yet when I didn’t, she would still answer my phone calls late at night when I was having relationship difficulties and needed to talk to someone. She was one of the only people I trusted during those tumultuous years. We live in different states now, but we still keep in regular contact and meet up whenever we’re in each other’s towns.
What role did therapy play in helping you navigate your challenges and move forward?
My first therapist helped me recognize events from my childhood that led to my thought patterns and behaviors, such as having low self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth, and the feeling that I would never be enough. Having a great therapist who truly listens to you is important, and I was blessed to have two of them. When my first therapist left, I turned to virtual therapy during COVID because I knew something was wrong with my last relationship, but I didn’t know what or how to address it. She walked me through and helped me dissect each situation to discern what truly bothered me about my now-ex’s behavior. She was also the one who encouraged me to leave the relationship when it was getting dangerous, and gave me steps to protect myself. If it were not for her encouragement and support, I’m not sure I would have had the courage to leave. And even after I left my relationship, she kept supporting me that I did the right thing, even when I was tempted to give in to his guilt trips and threats, and go back to him.
Could you elaborate on your experience with the online community of women who shared similar experiences? How did their support contribute to your growth?
I stumbled across an online community of like-minded women when I was yet again searching for advice on what to do that my ex (then boyfriend) disrespected me, four or five years ago. It was a smaller group of women at the time, and I’ve had the pleasure of watching the community grow well into the tens of thousands over the years. They talked of how to better and love yourself and level up as a woman in this very male-dominated world, and how to change your mindset and decenter men. They emphasized the importance of high-quality female friendships. They still spoke of dating, but it was about how we can level the playing field when dating men, and to know our worth, have strong boundaries, and the importance of sticking to them. Their advice was always blunt, yet tactful. We spoke of our past and current relationships and it was uncanny how similar most of our situations were. It was hard at first to follow their advice because it was so far out of what I was used to, but slowly and surely, I’m getting there.
Reflecting on your journey, what advice would you give to women who find themselves in similar situations?
That recognizing the problem is always the first step to recovery. It takes a lot of strength and self-awareness to fight against cultural, traditional and societal norms of how men should behave vs how women should behave. But know that you’re stronger than you think, and you’re not the same person you were yesterday. And if a situation or relationship is not suiting you, if it’s safe to do so, then it’s better to rip off the band-aid. It may hurt now, but you’ll be the better for it later on. Realize you are not alone, and that finding the right group of women for a support system can be a life-changer. Finally, it’s normal to grieve the loss of friendships and family and romantic relationships, and that you’re better alone than surrounded by the wrong people for you.
How do you maintain self-love and healthy boundaries in your relationships now?
Learning to be okay with saying ‘no’, and knowing my boundaries and enforcing them. This was one of the biggest things I struggled with for a long, long time. It’s such a hard thing when it’s not a word you’re used to saying (and meaning), and when you’re not used to enforcing your own boundaries (or you don’t know what they are). And sometimes that means I don’t answer a request or agree to anything right away without thinking on it first, where in the past, I would feel pressured to answer everyone right away and agree for the sake of keeping the peace.
What strategies do you use to prevent yourself from reverting to old habits or patterns?
Repeating my affirmations to myself that I’m worth it and I am enough, and that what I have to say matters.
Have you encountered any setbacks along the way, and if so, how have you dealt with them?
Yes, I’ve found myself slipping back into old habits and mindsets from time to time. I’ve learned to recognize it for what it is—old habits I’m trying to break—and I make a conscious effort to rewire my thoughts to how I’d like them to be. If it’s something I did (such as saying yes when I don’t really want to), then I try to just let it go (because we can’t take back the past), and make a conscious effort to do it differently next time.
How has rewriting your story impacted other areas of your life, such as career or personal goals?
Absolutely. I’ve noticed a big difference in the way I relate to other people, and how other people relate to me. Learning to love myself and know my worth has given me a confidence boost, and my coworkers treat me with more respect. In my personal and professional life, I’m able to speak up more when I get interrupted or talked over, or successfully tune out (where before, I would sit quietly and let people interrupt me constantly, and then I’d respond to them instead of finishing what I had to say). And also being aware and apologizing if I interrupt someone unintentionally. The last part is still a work in progress, but aren’t we all when we’re on our healing journeys?
Are there any specific resources or practices you found particularly helpful during your journey?
I read Codepedent No More by Melodie Beattie, and used the workbook, as well as Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody, the latter of which my former therapist recommended. When I was in an abusive relationship and was seeking to process the breakup and understand what had happened, and understand my ex’s behavior, The Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do That? by Gavin DeBecker were very, very helpful reads.
What does success look like to you now, compared to before you started rewriting your story?
Before I started rewriting my story, success looked like just having a career I was content with and married to a man who maybe wasn’t the right fit for me, but who would have me. I didn’t really aspire to be more. Now, success looks like happiness. Am I happy where I am in life? Am I happy with my career, my hobbies, my life? If not, then how can I make it better? I’m investing in my friends and family who have been there for me all along, doing well in my job, I have a novel being published later this year, and I’m making my life the very best it can be. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been.
Looking ahead, what aspirations or goals do you have for your future self?
To continue to grow and learn. I want to keep challenging myself and doing things that previously scared me, from larger things like public speaking (I work in a client-facing profession and my workplace is big on education and teaching and am having a book published, so I know I’ll need to be okay talking about it in front of other people), to smaller things like finally facing my fear of haunted houses so that I can celebrate Halloween events with my brother. Eventually, I want to be able to move on from who I was in the past, but remember all that I’ve learned. We cannot go back and fix the past, but we can move forward, keeping in mind the lessons we’ve learned to better ourselves.
- Twitter: @cwrose813
