My life has been a roller coaster of spirituality as I’ve come to learn how self-awareness, Christianity, the law of attraction, and consciousness work together.
I have felt that Christianity falls short of helping people with tools that are out there (and I understand how extreme this sounds, I am writing from my experience only). The themes of the Bible studies and Sunday sermons fall short to address real complex questions—questions about our wounds, our childhood, our fears, intimacy, sex, our personalities. Questions about pain and happiness. The questions in the minds of people that feel the need to step out of “the fear of really facing their fears” to be vulnerable—of feeling irrelevant, being alone, being in the wrong path. All of these fears happen in spite of knowing and loving God. Sometimes we don’t even know how to put all of this into words.
The approach of the church feels boilerplate, repetitive and cliché. Again, I don’t mean to hurt the leadership of the church, but very important tools sound like good values only, versus effective commands from God to connect with Him and our true selves. Take gratitude, for example. I knew about it in church and understood it was “obviously good”. But it was by myself and at my darkest moments that I actually learned it was a powerful tool and medicine to heal a broken anxious heart.
The message feels equal for everybody and, in a way, it is: “we are here to connect with Him, by love, with love, to love and be fulfilled by truly feeling joyful in our purpose/heart desire being permanently spiritually connected through prayer and meditation.” It’s also very individual and tailor-made for our very souls. The question is, how do we find our particular message that responds to the questions we are afraid to ask?
By hearing a message that shows the way to the right questions, we open the door to the strongest desire of all—to fully experience love and connection so deep that we could really want, really believe, and really feel. Even with a relationship with God, I was numb and didn’t even know it, because I didn’t know what numb was. And as a child of God, after Jesus died for me, was I even allowed to feel numbness?
So I know this: I love to learn, I absolutely love God, and I love the way He is.
Always teaching me, He both created me and chose me before I was born. At the age of 14, He started me with a sweet foundational message and I “just got it”—as if I’d known it forever.
The message was this:
At the beginning of times, I created this world and then I created you. Shit happened, and I sent my son to fix things for you so that you could have a relationship with me and have life—an abundant life filled with purpose. (I remember this made me very a very happy teenager).
As I grew older, this sweet message got pale (and boy, I struggle to accept this because I developed a sense of loyalty that kept me in fear of questioning the message that brought me so much joy in my teens), but here I was facing bigger issues. I was faced with grown-up questions about love, vocation, sex, my body… you name it.
I had to start making choices, and some made me feel very guilty. Some I managed to justify rationally, but emotionally I had so many belief systems crashing down that I started numbing, ignoring, and distracting myself from all of it, falling deep into codependent relationships and emotional eating, while disconnecting from my body whenever it fell short of my expectations.
After managing for several years, I had one dark night where I realized I had some deep questions—who am I? and why am I here, anyway? (Funny side story: I used to be a missionary, and those where the same questions I was ready to answer for others). Nothing was working out, and I felt completely inadequate in finding a way out of my hot mess.
As I mentioned before, GRATITUDE did it for me that one night. I will never forget—it was like a magic pill that healed my anxiety at the highest peak I have experienced, and I remembered the thought I had pounding in my head:
I have read this in the Bible, I have it underlined, and yet I never saw it in this practical new light that brought immediate relief—the first time I experienced “peace that surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).
God did give me a powerful tool I just didn’t know it was a “tool.” I thought it was a nice cliché.
I started re-reading and re-discovering—I went deeper into my understanding of the spiritual life I was called to experience. It’s been almost 5 years now and I feel special, so special that I am terrified at the thought of sharing what I have learned, yet I feel called to be unapologetic about my story.
God has a way with us. I desire to put all my discoveries together in a way that makes sense for others. Because I believe I have to share it, so that more people can connect with a God that approves of us dreaming, feeling, loving, and daring to take the place for which we were created and experience the power given to us to co-create with the one that created us.
So for now, my spiritual journey is to keep trying to put it all together—to keep exploring and follow as the holy spirit guides me to wonder, question, and experience all that is coming my way.
Author: Esther Iturralde
Author Bio: Esther Iturralde – Soulpreneur
“I want to create a world where people self-educate and take action on their dreams. A world where people love God the creator of everything and as a result love themselves. A world where friendship is sweet and abundant. A world where we know the power we have within and become aware of the responsibility of ourselves.”
“I talk openly about my beliefs”
Unapologetic, fascinating, raw
Link to website: http://estheriturralde.com