Time to say goodbye.
Say goodbye to this pain, physical and emotional.
The constant lack of energy, feigned smiles, the fear of being honest, ripping my hair out, the aches as I peel myself away from the comforter every morning.
I want to say farewell to the trauma. I want to forget about how utterly destroyed I still feel. I’ve begged and pleaded at blank space to take it away. How can I live with this in my head any longer?
I’ve already said goodbye to years of repressed feelings and emotions, but now they won’t stop. The tears don’t stop. Always wondering if there is some limit to how long or often I can cry. Why won’t you run out already? I feel too much. It feels like too much. This is too much.
I’m saying goodbye to myself as a burden, as a bad friend, as a bitch.
Forgotten responses, misspeaking, boundaries that have hurt, irrational irritable outbursts. I have to say good riddance. I am done with you. The massive weight you lay upon my shoulders has left me chronically hunched over, hiding from what could have been.
How do I end?
How do I leave all of this behind? Do I pass it on like a financial debt? To my loved ones: An emotional debt I leave to you, good luck.
When you consider leaving, this is not on the “to-do” list. It doesn’t matter. The amount of therapy, medications, support from partners, parents and peers is shoved into a dark corner you can no longer access. Your identity becomes a story. Unfortunately, this one is not in your favor.
Now you are only your burdens. You are a burden. You no longer feel like a failure.
You are a failure.
Time to say goodbye.
Say goodbye to that story. Burn the whole damn book if you need. Be the author you never thought you could embody to determine your own path.
Choose your own adventure.
The script will likely be balled-up and skillfully flung into the nearest trash receptacle at times. You wouldn’t climb in after it, would you?
You are not the trash.
Burn as many ideas as you need to. Rip the pages and write more. Pen ran out? Grab a new one!
The control you’ve grasped for to stop the rage, sadness, despair and hurt isn’t there, because that does not exist. Control cannot be used to stop feelings. The control CAN be used to soothe, soften or give freedom and release to emotions.
Now you have access to multiple tools that can help you stay. You have the ability to stay, even one more day or one more minute. You HAVE that power, you always have.
First, we need to say goodbye to the story books we have mistakenly carried for far too long.
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