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tired
Mental Health

I Got Tired

To steal a quote from Eric Thomas, The Hip-Hop Preacher (no I’m not religious but he’s brilliant), I got tired.

Tired of a job I couldn’t stand, a town I grew up in, left and moved back to and tired of dating people I knew I didn’t want to end up with. I got tired of living somewhere where people thought they knew me, and tired of caring if they were right.

I’m shit in relationships and I got tired of ex-boyfriends telling me that. Who did they think they were anyways? Losers that will never leave the 941 area code is what I told myself, but in reality, I got scared.

For years I tried to pretend like my life was perfect, when it couldn’t have been further from the truth. I struggled with bulimia for 5 years. Five long hard years, and pretended with my parents I was past it after 2. The problem with a disease like that is it takes over your life. It literally consumes your every thought, and one day, I got tired. Tired of it.

For the third time in 5 years, I got tired, and I moved away. I moved to Stockholm, Sweden thinking that the move is what would help me, and I threw myself into living life here. Going out, drinking, sleeping around. But I got tired.

The thing about moving is that you think it’s going to solve all your problems, but the same issues move with you, wherever you go. They move and flow with you throughout your daily life, and if you’re not careful they sneak back into your everyday routine.

I turned 25, and decided I had enough of being tired.

While most people dread that age, I honestly couldn’t have welcomed it more. The morning I turned 25, I woke up on my cousins couch after a long night out and went to a brunch with my family. On any other day I would have eaten too much, and then gone home to throw up as quickly as possible. Rejecting the feelings I had just stuffed down. But not that day, not March 19, 2017.

You see, I was tired. Tired of pretending I had control over myself when it was the furthest thing from true. And I decided that from that day on, I wasn’t going to try to be perfect anymore. I wanted to live my life, and Instagram likes be damned, I wasn’t going to give a f*ck about what people thought of me anymore.

Three months later, I can feel things I hadn’t felt in years. I can feel full without absolutely hating myself. I don’t give a f*ck about what people I went to high school think of me, or what someone who has seen me naked and met my parents has to say. For the first time in years, I like myself. I’ve stopped ghosting people, and I am no longer afraid of conflict because I believe in my values and who I am as person.

I got tired of trying to make you and society happy and instead stopped giving a f*ck. Are you tired? If you still care what other people think, you should be.

If you feel like I felt, I encourage you to stop giving a f*ck. I promise you, you won’t feel tired again.

Author: Kayla Olson
Author Email: kaylaolson92@gmail.com
Author Bio: Kayla is a 25-year-old who moved to Stockholm, Sweden this year and enjoys playing UNO in new places. With an inability to sit still, she picks up and moves when she feels like it. If your Tinder Bio says that “you like to travel and workout” you’re getting a life swipe for being unoriginal, and she doesn’t give a f*ck if you like her or not. Her parents like her plenty.
Link to social media or website: https://www.instagram.com/kaylakolson/

 

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