Everyone always talks about how to deal with a breakup between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Yet hardly anyone talks about losing your best friend. After all, she’s the one who knows all your little secrets; you have your own language and pranks. Plus, she’s been there through both the rough and calm waters. You watched her beautiful new family grow—in fact, you’re her child’s godmother, or aunt. Whatever title you are given, it doesn’t matter because it’s such an honor. She’s the one you call at midnight because you know she’s going to pick up. She’s the one you tell about your dreams and aspirations, all the while knowing she’ll never judge you. She’s the one who’s always there for you.
This particular loss of emotional intimacy is really rough. It can be detrimental to one’s own mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. Perhaps the two of you just stopped talking for no apparent reason, or maybe there was a blow-up and you thought that just like the last time, you’d be talking in no time. But that doesn’t happen. So how do you find closure to a chapter in your life that you don’t want to let go because, perhaps, despite all, you still want to be friends.
Here are some suggestions I took away from my own experiences of loss.
- It may not be your fault—don’t totally blame yourself. Yes, there are two parties involved, and each one had a role to play. But perhaps, this time, it wasn’t entirely you. If so, try not to personalize it, but don’t blame the other person, either. Perhaps the other person didn’t know how to handle the situation because she never encountered this situation before. Maybe she’s just as confused as you are, but doesn’t know how to broach the subject of making amends.
- What are your needs from this relationship? Do you wish to continue this friendship or not? Your needs matter, not what other people are telling you to do. Maybe you want to start over, slow it down and work on rebuilding trust and boundaries again. Or, maybe you won’t be able to renew your trust. Perhaps your schedule has become so busy, you don’t have the time, or the inclination, to continue the relationship. Maybe you really want it to fizzle out—and that’s okay too. Decide what a renewed relationship will or will not do for you.
- Can you acknowledge the facts and the emotions and sort through them realistically and objectively? It’s not always easy to acknowledge when we’re in pain because we might feel we need to act on it, or that we’re not in control, or we’re angry, or any other negative thought that pops in your mind. “Acknowledgement” doesn’t mean you have forgiven or let go; it simply means that you have accepted what is happening within you and are steadfast that you are either going to work from there to resolve the issues, decide to put your relationship on pause for a while or end the relationship completely. Whatever way you choose, just make sure you are honest with yourself.
- Can you communicate with that person? Is the door completely shut or is the situation just left open with neither of you approaching one another, thinking the other one will talk first? Maybe you can avoid the stand-off and try making the first move. Make an appointment to talk to your friend for the purpose of discussing your relationship and resolving the stalemate. If she agrees, then you will be able to describe your feelings to her and cite some ways of to move forward. You should also ask your friend what she thinks and how the two of you might see a suitable way to move forward together again. If this doesn’t work, maybe the two of you can decide to mutually dissolve the relationship, if you both agree to that.
- Set up a new relationship that can accommodate your new situation. Your relationship may have worked for the two of you in the past, but now, given changes in your lifestyle, it may have changed and outgrown you. Relationships can be organic and evolving. If the new relationship cannot be as strong and grounded as before, perhaps the two of you can discuss how you might move forward with a new kind of arrangement which can accommodate your new needs and lifestyle—maybe spending less time together, or communicating less often, while still being friends.
Whatever path you choose, practice the wise mind. This technique is from dialectical behavioral therapy. It’s where you take your emotional side and your rational side and combine them both to walk the middle, more balanced path (think: not running with your emotions or being too task-oriented, overly rational and justifying everything). Remember, you are not always looking to win. You are looking to assess matters rationally, sometimes giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, or at least seeing the other person’s side. It’s important to reach out and build a resiliency within yourself and talk about this with someone you trust so it doesn’t stay in your head and start to ruminate while you get bitter and angry. Talk to someone who can be objective and allow you to see all sides of the issue. Mindfulness, reflection and balance can help in understanding what’s happening inside and around you. Taking care of yourself is just as important. Get to know how you work inside—and what will work best for you.
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