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Mental Health

How My F*ck Budget Saved My Life

Lizzo recently attended the 2019 American Music Awards with what seems to be the tiniest purse ever invented, explaining that it is “big enough for my f*cks to give.” This statement by Lizzo reminded me of the promise I made to myself in 2017 after my major surgery. I swore to create and maintain a f*ck budget. Let me explain.

In 2017, I had a myomectomy. That surgery was one of the most unsettling experiences I’ve ever had. Fifteen fibroids were removed, weighing a total of seven pounds. My uterus was the size of a seven month pregnancy and many of the doctors couldn’t give me straight answers. Of course, the doctors gave their most intelligent answers including whatever statistics they memorized, but all I heard was “you’re a black woman and your stress manifested into tumors that tried to kill your vulva every month.

So, after five days and eight bags of blood, I finally left the hospital with the revelation that I cannot allow this world to kill me with my own damn womb.  

During my recovery, I decided to take action with my stress in the most manageable way possible. This is where the “F*ck Budget” comes in.

Many of us take too much time worrying about other people’s feelings, burdens or trauma. We put all our energy in the concerns outside ourselves completely neglecting our mental, physical and spiritual well being. Everyone has their breaking point, and their epiphanies presents itself in different ways. In my case, fibroids.

So, everyday I have a budget dedicated to the f*cks I have to give that day. Your budget can have as few as one or as many as ten. Whatever you decide, commit to it for the sake of your happiness. 

The budget can be towards something as small as listening to a stranger talk about their cat on your subway ride to work or as exhausting as explaining to a coworker why she can’t touch your hair for the twelfth time. The point is to be unapologetically, mentally self preserving. Have your boundaries, stick up for yourself and don’t have any guilt for taking time for yourself. If you really don’t want to go out with your friends, you don’t need to. If you are bored with a conversation with someone who talks way to much about themselves, walk away. If you want that extra dessert while out eating with your new bae, eat that cake with no shame!

Too many of us are dealing with mental exhaustion, anxiety and critical sorrow. Your internal suffering is not worth likability. 

I felt so free when I decided to genuinely not care about what people thought of me. My whole attitude has changed; I wear clothes that make me feel good, write about topics I deem important, eat the cupcake I was eyeing for a week and skip yoga to sleep in, not worrying about the $20 spent on reserving my mat.

It took many meditation retreats, therapy sessions and cries to finally be in a place in my life, where I could truly have a peace of mind. Taking time to preserve my energy, protect my mental and spiritual well being and reclaim my time, is my right as a human being and nothing to apologize for.

You life might actually depend on it.

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by Majella.Mark

Majella is a researcher, writer, artist and co-creator of "Met God, She's Black". She has conducted numerous workshops including "The Wakanda Workshop" to address racial inequalities using Marvel's "Black Panther's" film as a reference point and the Judy Chicago's inspired art piece for the workshop, "Pussy Plate Painting Party" to address gender inequalities and the objectification of the female body. She is also a writer and artist, involved with many organizations including Support Creativity, the United Nations Association, The Assemblage, Black Women's BluePrint among others.


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