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Relationships

A Relationship Doesn’t Have to Be Delusional

We can no longer think everything has to be black or white nowadays. We need to accept that anything in the world we live in has gray areas–and so do our relationships. Is it scary? Fear not! It is actually a pretty good balance, but for it to be so, we first need to agree on that reality.

Once we have acknowledged that notion, it all begins with self-acceptance. Therefore, what we think about our own true selves, and the way we respect ourselves draws the lines and structure of our relationship. Once we have settled our own values and standards comes the time to think about how we would like to handle our love with a certain person we met at some point. Be ready for it because we might follow some instructions—like if we were playing Monopoly—so we can eventually be successful in creating strong bonds with that specific someone and make them last.

A relationship is somewhat like a game. A game with instructions. A game that is supposed to have two winners. Instead of competing, we are supporting an exceptional game with an exceptional teammate—the best teammate we might ever have. That game has rules, boundaries, and strategies, yet we want to make sure that both of us agree to the instructions based on a win-win situation.

It has to be a fair game that doesn’t lead us or our beloveds to become a hermit, that doesn’t make us or them feel mistreated or less powerful, and that doesn’t allow any control freak. With that being said,we should never ever expect that that person can make us feel complete. If we do so, we might not feel happy for many, many years throughout our lives. Why? Simply because some relationships are not meant to be. Some relationships don’t work any longer after a while. And let’s be realistic here; if a breakup has to be official, if a divorce has to be signed––What do we have left if we put all our energies in this relationship? What do we have left if we have always sacrificed our own needs in order to accommodate our partner’s desires first?

It is nobody’s role to make us feel happy or accomplished in our lives, it is our own duty before anything else. As a unique individual, we all have some issues to deal with. We all have some concerns to think of. We all have some difficulties to face… and that’s a lot for a human, isn’t it?

So, when it comes the time to meeting that person, spending time with them, developing feelings for them, and finally sharing love with them, we obviously don’t expect this relationship to be an additional issue in you lives (as we genuinely don’t want to give them a hard time.) We are just willing to live that love story of ours in the best conditions, and it is actually understandable.

As a result, that person who sincerely loves us makes us feel good, comfortable, peaceful, and all the rest. Yet, all those “good” feels are not about our personal well-beings, but about the relationship per se.

The world is made of a wide range of types of people. Nobody is the same, and we need to accept the fact that you, her, him, and I all think, talk, act, behave, and feel differently. The universe is moving forward, and so are we and our lovers. But again, it is all on us to make a decision, and it is our personal jobs to ask ourselves–Are we ready for it? Are we ready to believe in it?

We all have different interests—thank God. Sometimes we meet people who like the same things as ours. Some other times, we find people who don’t share the same passions. This fact may be real in our relationship as well, but it’s okay; we don’t need to fake it, we don’t need to pretend anything. Therefore, we don’t have to step back because we don’t like everything our partners like or because they don’t have the same hobbies as ours–we don’t have to step back because they don’t binge on Netflix or don’t like the Marvels. We cannot criticize that someone for liking something that on our own we don’t feel any importance for. Actually, we cannot blame them for anything. Period.

We are in charge of how we feel and the way we want to deal with our emotions. Thus, if something doesn’t work out the way we would like it to work, it is because we are mistaken in our beliefs (or we finally gave up.)

Again, we cannot put the blame on someone else, and surely not on that someone. That rule works the other way around as well. We shouldn’t take any responsibility for their own mistakes. Nevertheless, we do have the right to make a stand. We do have the right to say no, and use the four-letter word when it needs to be said–and so do they. We do have the right to support them if this is what we want. The decision belongs to us.

We are the one in charge of making any choice for ourselves, in the same way as we are the one and only one to know what our real feelings are toward that person. And we shouldn’t lie to ourselves in this regard.

Listening to our minds without ignoring our hearts is something we must take into consideration. While the latter communicates with us through emotions and feelings, our minds, in the opposite, always try to be more reasonable. It tends to question ourselves (so you can make sure we get confused at some point.) So, here’s what we need to do: listen to both.

If we pick either of those, the result might not end up being great. It is actually hard work. Finding a balance and paying attention to both. It is tough, rough and very time-consuming. The process is very long, if not endless, but it is worth it. It is definitely worth it.

Neither is love just a feeling that brings us some advantages or benefits in life nor is it just a feeling that makes us “love” ourselves. Love is nothing else than a feeling we have toward that someone and vice versa. And being able to listen to our minds and our hearts might help us to love–love.

Our partners surely have beautiful sides yet, we have to learn to accept their flaws because if we are being honest here; nobody is perfect. Neither them nor you (and surely not me)—and it’s all fine, it means we are humans. It means we can handle our relationships and make them last. 

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by mathildeclemencepersonne

Mathilde is a writer in counseling who shares advice (and stories) with a pinch of humor since she's got inspired by Doctor Who for a long time now. Therefore, she follows most of the time the Rule 27: Never "knowingly" be serious. However, she secretly wishes any women out there could see the gorgeous individuals they all are, without being afraid of not matching with the wrong expectations drawn by society. She is a collector of all her memories that build the map of her mind and help her to develop different skills to guide other women.


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