Tuesday, March 24th, 2020, I was completely crushed. It was as if I could feel my heart literally breaking. I got the news that the cancer my mom had in her lymph nodes, was now in the form of a 7-centimeter tumor pressing against the right-side of her brain. It was just a month prior on February 13th, 2020, that her doctor had officially declared her cancer-free. I thought we were finally over this long & agonizing journey that originally started back in early June of 2019. Yet, here I was again balling my eyes out in the middle of my living-room floor screaming to God, “I cannot go through this again”, “I do not want my mom to go through this again”, “I’m not strong enough” & “It’s just too much”. To know me is to know that sentences like those are foreign to my character. I am always more than willing to battle and conquer whatever is necessary, will speak life over everyone & everything, and remain positive in situations that appear impossible. However, on March 24th, 2020, I broke, and did not feel that I had any fight left in me. But of course, God knew differently …

“But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in tribulation, and all these things come upon you in the latter days, you will return to the Lord your God and obey his voice. For the Lord, your God is a merciful God. He will not leave you or destroy you or forget the covenant with your fathers that he swore to them”. ~ Deuteronomy 4:29-31 ESV ~

I told a few people via text what was going on with my mom, my pastor being one of them. What my pastor said to me in his text was, “We know God does NOT bring sickness, but we KNOW that through sickness, God can get some MAJOR GLORY in working healing, restoration & some serious miracles. DO NOT BE DISMAYED. Your prayers now have a direction & a commission!”. My pastor then challenged me to fast & pray and to get at least 4 people to fast and pray with me. For those who do not know what fasting is, fasting is abstaining from all or some foods for a period of time so that one can connect & hear from God. Fasting is a sacrifice and I was not comfortable at all asking people to not eat for a certain timeframe, especially during a pandemic where everyone is home and eating is one of the things people would want to do. I accepted his challenge though and exceeded the number of people he asked me to get to fast with me. We all are currently fasting from 5 am to 5 pm, drinking only water, believing for my mom’s complete healing & more.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you. Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen. ~ 1st Peter 5:6-11 ESV ~

Once I started fasting & praying the following day after receiving the news about my mom, I felt rejuvenated & ready to fully submit myself before God & PRAY WITHOUT CEASING! It is so vital that when one is fasting, that they stay in prayer, read scripture & worship. Each morning when I awake at 5 am, I wash my hands, anoint them with extra virgin olive oil, and then get right on my knees & start declaring my mom’s healing. I speak life over her entire body & make my specific requests known to God. This go-round of fasting & praying has been completely different for me. One, I have some AMAZING people on this fast with me, supporting & uplifting me. Two, my prayers have been ones that could only come directly from God because the things & people I have been calling out in prayer, He has been leading my spirit to do. Three, I believe with every fiber in my being that this fast will produce way more than just my mom’s complete healing, I believe God is going to do some MAJOR THINGS!

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him”. ~ Matthew 7:7-11 ESV ~

By the time this article is published, my mom can either be completely healed or we’ll still be in the process of believing God for her healing. Either way, GOD WILL INDEED COME THROUGH! I will NOT let doubt, fear nor worry exalt themselves over God & his promises. Remember, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TOO BIG NOR TOO SMALL FOR GOD! HE’S ALL ABOUT DOING THEE IMPOSSIBLE! I also find it not strange that my mom’s situation is happening during a time where I cannot even get to her if I wanted to because of the pandemic. God works EVERYTHING FOR OUR GOOD, so I believe that this time around, God needed me in a position where all I could do was FULLY TRUST him & SURRENDER before him in prayer. God is going to get some MASSIVE GLORY from all of this. So, to the person who may be in a similar situation as myself, or doubting that God will come through for you & yours in whatever you’re facing, or is just simply in a space of great uncertainty about life with all that is going on; to you all I say, GET ON YOUR KNEES & PRAY! Let your circumstances, as well the pandemic,  serve as the catalyst needed for you to develop a prayer life & relationship with God. Now more than ever is the time for us all to get before God in prayer & surrender fully to him. He is always ready for us to get back into alignment with him & make him first in our lives. SEEK GOD!

“Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord’, and not do what I tell you? Everyone who comes to me and hears my words, and does them, I will show you what he is like. He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been built well. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great”. ~ Luke 6:46-49 ESV ~

Love is an incredible, overwhelming, and entrancing feeling yet we chase after it all the time. I spent the last two years in love. Well, I believed to be love. I do not regret it because I learned so much from him. But I believe that the largest life lesson of that relationship is that I learned how to love myself.

In some relationships, we have so gravitated to the possibility of someone else loving us that we turn away from the red flags that are so clearly in front of us.

He can say he misses you, that he wants you back. But that does not erase the look on his face. He can say it’ll be different but you won’t really know.

I took him back. Many times, when I honestly should not have. It was not until I truly realized that I deserved so much more than when the opportunity to take him back came again, I actually said no. Not ‘oh maybe’ or ‘I’ll think about it’ it was simply ‘no’. It sounded definite and that is what it was. I closed the door. Rather than him deciding he no longer wanted me and I was waiting around for him to pick me up again, I decided that I no longer wanted to be picked up again.

He destroyed me. My hopes, my love, and warmth had left my eyes that day. But I will not give him that power anymore. I forgive him for what he has done to me but I will never forget. It is now a part of me and has allowed me to look at the world through different eyes.

I realized that while I was going through this cycle with him, I was not available for the love I truly wanted.

There was this saying that I heard a while ago that stuck in my head for a while. It was, “Do not let your boyfriends get in the way of your husband”. Now looking at it, I have come to the thought that I should not let anyone come in the way of me truly feeling the love.

I am not afraid to be alone. He is. That’s why he kept me. I am not that person anymore. I am strong. I am amazing. And I am someone who chooses herself over the possibility of a man to love me correctly when he failed it multiple times.

There are still days I want to reach out to him. Days where I think of the ‘what ifs’ but I remind myself that I choose myself. I choose my own certain happiness over the possibility of shared happiness.

You’ve just met somebody, perhaps on an online dating site, or maybe you met them somewhere in public, and you really like them. You seem to be getting along well and you’re enjoying spending time with them, but something just doesn’t seem right. You can’t put your finger on it, but something is bothering you. Does this sound familiar? If somebody isn’t being totally honest with you, you might have a gut feeling about it. Some of us might brush this off and tell ourselves that we are being paranoid – and while sometimes that’s the case, a lot of the time it isn’t. Thankfully, there are some sure signs to look out for that can tell you whether or not that guy you like is actually being honest with you.

He’s Too Mysterious

Mystery can definitely be attractive, and when you’re first getting to know somebody, that little element of mystery about them and finding out more about them can be very intriguing. However, there’s a line that sometimes gets crossed. When it comes to dating, mystery generally doesn’t equate to honesty and some people might try to intentionally remain as ambiguous as possible because they know it’s going to keep you around as you try to find out more. If you’re seeing somebody who’s playing this type of game, they’re not being honest with you.

His Actions and Words Contradict Each Other

If he’s always saying one thing and doing the complete opposite, that’s a sure sign that he’s not really being honest with you. In the early stages of dating somebody, their rate of communication can be a telltale sign. For example, if he says that he’s really into you but you have to wait a full day for him to respond to you with a one-word text, he’s probably not being honest. If he tells you everything you want to hear when you’re being intimate but then goes radio silent for days as soon as he leaves, it’s one of the biggest signs he’s not telling you the whole truth.

He’s Evasive

When you’re searching for truth and he keeps changing the topic of the conversation, that’s a huge red flag. Being evasive and changing the subject is one of the oldest techniques that liars use, and he might also try to avoid being honest by responding to your questions with more questions. If you’re not getting the answers that you’re looking for or think that the guy you like is telling you stories that aren’t quite true, try a site like Public Records Reviews to see what you can find out about him. This tool lets you search for education history and more by simply entering the person’s name. So, if he’s telling you that he went to Harvard and you’re not sure that you believe him, a quick check of his education history will clear things up and let you know if your suspicions are founded.

You’ve Seen Him Lie to Others

If you’ve noticed him quite easily lie to his friends or family, then bear in mind that you will more than likely not be the exception to the rule. If lying to other people in his life seems to come really easily to him then chances are, you’re also being deceived. Sure, everybody tells some white lies every once in a while, and it doesn’t make you a really bad person, but if lying or bending the truth seems to be somewhat of a habit with him, then you should be careful when it comes to what you believe.

He’s Vague

The amount of detail that he is willing to give you is another of the signs that you’ll notice if he’s not being honest with you. Although every couple has some topics that are sore points in the relationship or difficult to talk about, somebody who is being honest with you will understand the importance of talking about it no matter how uncomfortable it can get. On the other hand, somebody who wants to avoid telling you the complete truth is likely to try and be as vague as possible, and not get into the specifics of whatever it is you are talking about.

You’re Always Experiencing the Same Problems

Seemingly unfixable problems can be one of the most annoying things in a relationship. Your partner does something that you don’t like; you point it out to him in a conversation about why you don’t like it. They respond that they are going to try harder, but the same problem happens again a week later and after a while, you seem to be having the same conversation every week. Not only does this get in the way of relationship progression, but it’s also a sign that he’s not being honest with you – if he says he’s willing to work at something or change something and he doesn’t, then what else is he lying about?

Have you noticed any of these signs that somebody isn’t telling you the truth?

People bring all sorts of things into the bedroom to enhance their sex life and sexual experience. Toys, massage oils, lingerie, and other people, just to name a few. Another popular addition to a hot and steamy sex session is food. Think the whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues or any other classic movie where lovers feed one another grapes or strawberries. There’s something extremely intimate and sensual about food and sex. 

That’s not to say you should bring a pizza or a five-course meal to bed. Here we’ll explore the best foods to incorporate during sex and how to use them to your advantage. These are tips that you can use with your long-time partner or just someone fun you found using one of the popular and useful hookup apps that a lot of people have had success with.

Grab your appetite for desire and let’s get into it!

Strawberries

Strawberries are a classic bedroom choice. They’re sweet, they’re juicy, and they’re fun to eat. You can hold one up and watch your partner extend their mouth and use their tongue to pull the delicious fruit to their lips.

Cover them in chocolate and they’re even sexier somehow! Not to mention, strawberries are red — a color long associated with sexual desire. Just remember to keep a bowl or container nearby to ditch the stems.

Whipped Cream

Whipped cream is thick, sweet, and easy to apply and fun to lick off! The best part about whipped cream is that it’s thick enough to stay where you put it. Spray some on your partner’s nipples, tummy, or nether regions before eating your way to the good stuff! Just make sure you work fast and keep the room at a cool temperature. After about 30-minutes, the cream could start melting and create a real sticky situation (literally).

Chocolate

Who doesn’t love chocolate? Combine two of people’s favorite things — chocolate and sex — and you’re in for a guaranteed good time. There’s also something very sexy about chocolate, which is why it’s a popular gift for Valentine’s Day, birthdays, and anniversaries. Another bonus? Dark chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac. Choose your favorite form from kisses or chips for easy, bite-size fun to syrup for a slightly messier adventure.

Bananas

We’ve all seen a banana used at least once to mimic the male anatomy. Whether it was in healthy class as your teacher showed you how to put on a condom or an erotic photo of a woman eating a banana as they discussed oral sex. Bananas are long, thick, and sweet, just like your man! 

Cherries

Aside from the notorious “pop your cherry” catchphrase, cherries are another sexy, fun to eat fruit that brings a playfulness to the bedroom. Similar to strawberries, you can feed them to your partner and then show off your skills by using your tongue to tie the stem into a knot. If your partner has a talented and strong mouth muscle, it’s only a matter of time before you pounce on them and put their skills to work on your body. 

Cucumbers

Just like bananas, cucumbers resemble the penis and that just makes them sexy! The exterior of a cucumber is also bumpy and bulbous, giving it texture. In fact, some women actually use cucumbers to masturbate thanks to how long and thick they are. But before you shove anything into your body, consider other ways to use foods during sex. Why not recreate a spa or massage room by slicing the cucumber and placing it on your partner’s eyes? It’s a delicious and healthy way to blindfold them for the fun that lay ahead. 

Ice Cream

If different temperatures and textures of food turn you on, you’ll love the next item on the list (you also might be into sploshing, learn more about it here). There’s something hot about using cold ice cream during sex. It heightens your senses and electrifies your skin upon contact. Stick with traditional, plain flavors without any add-ins like nuts, which could get uncomfortable once things heat up and the ice cream starts to melt.

Shellfish

It’s common knowledge that oysters are a strong aphrodisiac, but who knew that shellfish in the bedroom was actually sexy? Anything that requires you to lay back, open your mouth, and let your partner slide the food in is kind of hot and maybe even a little romantic. Some people prefer to eat oysters, shrimp, and other seafood treats BEFORE having sex to feel the effects but feeding them to your partner naked before things get started is another sexy option.

Honey 

If you’re not afraid to get down and dirty (literally), you can bring some more adventurous foods into the bedroom, like honey. Yes, it’s sticky. Yes, it’s sweet.

And yes, it’s thick. Which is why it’s the perfect food for sex. Just be sure to lay down some protection so you don’t destroy your sheets! It’ll also make clean-up easier. Try covering each other in honey, lick and suck it off and then take things to the shower to get clean and dirty at the same time. Three cheers for shower sex!

Melted Cheese

Did someone say fondue? Melted cheese is slippery and delicious. Choose your partner’s favorite types, blindfold them, and do a taste test. Pour a little on your favorite body parts and have your partner lick it off. Keep going until they guess right, then switch roles. Just be sure to let the cheese cool off before you start putting it on your bare skin. 

Food and Sex: Two of Life’s Greatest Joys

The only thing people seem to love more than food is sex! So, why not combine these two great loves to create one satisfying experience? Bringing food into the bedroom is a playful way to spice things up.

Feeding each other over dinner is hot, but feeding each other naked, in bed, is even hotter! So get ready to remove all your clothes, whip out some tasty treats, and get down to business!

In general, relationships take a lot of nurturing and time. Imagine doing this as someone with bipolar disorder. People with bipolar disorder have to navigate the emotional roller coaster of manic and depressive cycles. Then, they have to maintain relationships with family, friends, and significant others. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, but there are healthy ways to deal with relationships and bipolar disorder. Here are some of those tips.

Honesty is the best policy.

First, it pays off to be honest. Talk about your diagnosis of bipolar disorder with the important people in your life. You need to be upfront with them, because it can feel lonely dealing with the ups and downs of mood swings. Sharing your circumstances gains you a support system. Give your loved ones the chance to support you in your time of need. Also, at your discretion, you can be honest with your employer about your disorder. They may be able to provide the necessary resources and accommodations you need to do your work.

When you hit rock bottom.

In the lowest low, texting might be the easiest way to express yourself during solemn times. Text your loved ones that you feel unwell, and take a rain check for invitations to hang out. You can text, because you don’t feel like calling or meeting in person. Only text if you feel like it. You must go at your pace to maintain communication. Communication allows other people to understand your mindset. It gives them a guide on how to respect your social boundaries.

When you are high as a kite.

In high and normal states, it is best to maximize socializing with family, friends, and significant others. Schedule and plan specific times to call or hang out with your loved ones. Ask them to a brunch, breakfast, lunch, coffee, or dinner date. Make sure to ask how they are doing. It’s important to listen to the daily on goings of others too. This will build the trust factor between your loved ones and you. When it’s your turn to vent, they’ll be willing to listen to your thoughts and emotions. It is polite to wait for them to ask you how you are doing. You can tell them how grateful you are for your manic or normal moods.

Exercise is another way to spend time with your loved ones. This allows your body to release endorphins to create calm and happy feelings. For example, I take walks with my husband, sister, niece, and dogs. It allows me to vent to my sister or husband about my moods. Plus, they get to vent too. It allows me to talk to my niece about my disorder. She can ask questions and formulate her own opinion. The cherry on top is I spend time with my dogs. I am joyful for their unconditional love.

Social on social media.

Social media allows a connection between family, friends, and significant others. Facebook Messenger allows group messages, photo uploads, and video calling between people. Your phone allows for video calls and text messaging too. Other text messaging apps are Kik and Group Me. Marco Polo allows you to post daily videos within a group. Instagram allows you to share, follow, and like the photos and video clips of others. Social media becomes a positive outlet to spend time catching up on the lives of others. You don’t have to leave the comfort of your home, especially, if you feel depressed.

 Mental health upkeep.

Lastly, take the time to talk to a professional. This can be a psychologist, therapist, or life coach. They can help you provide objective guidance to deal with your relationships and bipolar disorder. Plus, these professionals are safe havens to vent about your relationship concerns. It is recommended to stay in contact with a psychiatrist. They can help you maintain and regulate your medication as needed. All in all, it takes different elements to maintain relationships while dealing with bipolar disorder. Just remember you don’t have to be alone.

I traced my fingers along the spine of my notebook and took a deep breath.

“Okay Saiyara, you can do this”, I muttered to myself.

Chao Diary,

I have a recipe for you today. I know it’s not my usual rambling, yet I want to share this.

Before I tell you the name of this dish, let me take you through its background story.

Remember those moments during family reunions when your brother went savage, embarrassing you in the process, when the most nosy relative was around?

Or

Those moments where your brother turned into a paranoid puddle of sweat and tears after watching a horror movie and you had to be their personal don’t-worry-everything-is-okay-it-is-just-a-movie-here-take-my-shawl-and-clean-your-nose scout?

Or

Those moments of ignorance when they are watching cartoon?

Or

I took a deep breath. Somehow those moments didn’t exactly express my anger towards my brother.

…okay you get the drift. I want you to think of all those humiliating and painful memories with your brother and Voila! You get to the “How to kill your brother” recipe.

So, without further procrastination, let’s get down to business.

Tip: you can make this at any part of the time but I’d prefer a time when they least expect it.

Servings: One brother at a time. (One on one battle is always better than one on many)

Ingredients: Brother

Method:

I froze.

“What am I supposed to write here?”  , I asked myself.

It’s not like I ran out of ideas. I had so many ideas that I got confused which one to use.

I took a deep breath – something that I’ve been doing a lot since I began this particular entry- and started thinking.

“How exactly would you want to kill Adi?” I asked myself frowning a bit.

Push him off the terrace?

Nope, he’s fast. He would probably pull me with him.

I shuddered at that thought. I did NOT want to spend the rest of my eternal life wandering with him.

Stab him?

Nah, don’t want a pool of blood and groping intestine.

Electrocute him?

Hmm… how does one do it? Never mind, I might end up electrocuting myself.

After minutes which felt like hours- of thinking, it struck me.

“Do I really need to kill him?”

I look at my paper- my incomplete entry. The ‘method’ seemed to send me a silent message- “you got to do it Saiyara. End what you started.”

Sighing, I close my eyes for a moment and pictured Adi’s face. He was really cute, no doubt about that. Black hair cupped his fair round face. His radiant toothless smile always contradicted his dark pupils that were somewhat fearful always. His cheeks always turned red when I pulled them. And his height – oh god his height! He was shorter than me but obviously an 8 year old would be shorter than a 17 year old. The problem, though, was that he was only a foot shorter than me. Basically I mean to say that he is tall and I am short (in respect to our ages). We were like those black and white keys of a piano- incomplete without each… STOP!!!

My eyes flew open, I was supposed to plan a murder, not talk about how great our relationship is!

Grumbling, I remember his latest breach of trust which was enough to make my anger surface.

1.     Take a handful of curses and swallow them. Don’t let them out. It will help preserve the anger for a longer time.

2.     Wrap all the happy moments with your brother in an impenetrable foil and let them chill in the refrigerator.

3.     Take a bowl of sadism and deep fry your emotions until the smell of malice fills the air.

4.     Take a bowl of your brother’s embarrassing moments which were soaked overnight and thoroughly mix it with your deep fried emotions.

5.     Add two cups of your brother’s weakness to the mixture and a pinch of harassment. Make sure there are no lumps of regret.

6.     Let it settle for an hour. Once the dough is formed, roll it out into a ½ inch thick sheet, cut it in the shape of tears and bake them at 380*revenge.

7.     Now, heat some venomous sarcasm on

 

“Honey dijjuuuuuu…” the annoying voice of my brother filled my room. Instinctively, I tossed my notebook away and turned to face an irritatingly cute grin.

 

“Whatcha doin?” He asked to which I responded with a glare. He climbed up my bed and sat on lap. “Look dijju, I know you are angry with me but then again you are always angry.” He gave me sheepish smile and I glared harder. “I’m sorry, okay?”

I shook my head from side to side. I wonder who looked like a child at that moment.

Adi sighed dramatically hunching his shoulders and tried again, “Dijju… Listen, I will not do those 10 pages of handwriting and the book you gave me to read is so boring. What was the name? Wonder?”

I gave him a death glare and muttered, “Wonder is so so much better than you and this filthy attitude of yours.”

“Okay, I will give you my Bounty. And also do 5 pages.” He tried to persuade me. “Do all ten and I might consider my anger.” I replied curtly.

“Fine.” He gave in and went out of the room. “Don’t forget my bounty.” I screamed behind him.

As I saw that he was way out of my sight, I took out my notebook again. That was an apology? I know he isn’t going to do his homework. He only wants to prove to me that I melt easily but no! I will complete the recipe.

7.     Now, heat some venomous sarcasm on a pan of cockism until it forms a paste.

8.     Top the tear shaped biscuits with the venomous cream.

9.     Take out the chilled happy memories with your brother from the refrigerator, unwrap it and place it beside your biscuits.

10.    Take a bite of your biscuits, drink some water and then after some time take a bite of the happy memories.

 

Now comes the trickiest part…

11.     If you find the happy memories tastier than those biscuits (which I’m sure you will) throw those biscuits into the trashcan and go hug your brother.

 

Nothing can/should come between the two of you, if you don’t allow it; not even my amazing recipe on how to kill your brother and that enough should be an explanation.

 

Until next time buddy,

SAIYARA

“Adi..” I screamed from my room. He came running as if his life depended on it. I launched forward and hugged him tight. “I love you.” I said. He smiled from ear to ear and said, “I always knew it.” My eyebrows shot up. “No matter how many serial killer documentaries you watch, you aren’t good at murdering people.” He continued. My eyes grew wider and I mouthed a how. “Just because I don’t do my homework doesn’t mean I can’t read.” He said as he hugged me tighter and whispered I love you too, by the way.