I like to watch a lot of bad TV. Really bad TV. I’m talking 90 Day Fiancé, Real Housewives, Kardashians, Vanderpump Rules — basically, anything on E! or Bravo. In other words, Andy Cohen and Ryan Seacrest play larger roles in my daily life than I’d like to admit on a public forum such as this website. Ah, but what a glass of Ramona Singer’s pinot grigio will do.
On one such afternoon, whilst watching yet another episode of Vanderpump Rules, I noticed some pretty typical girl-on-girl hate.
She can’t come to my party.
You can’t be one of my bridesmaids.
She broke up someone’s marriage.
Don’t talk to her.
She’s a whore.
Blah blah blah. Admittedly, none of this is abnormal for the show, but it got me thinking. All the men on the show have screwed up at one point or another — usually cheating on their significant others (who also happen to be the women on the show), lying to their loved ones, getting in trouble with the law, developing substance abuse issues and not showing up for work. But for some reason, the men seem to walk away totally unscathed by the women — like they are held to a completely different standard.
Which seems ridiculous. How, as women, could we do this to our own? You’d think we’d understand women better than anyone else, but for many women, it seems as if our misunderstandings are as plentiful as Anthony Weiner’s dick pics.
And this isn’t to say that every woman, or even most women, do this. Overall, I think women have moved the dial forward tremendously in acknowledging our participation in undermining other women. Take, for example, the advent of the “girl squad” or “girl gang” concept. And while there are some inherent problems with “trendifying” friendship, I think, overall, it shows how far women have come. Many of us have finally realized that other women are not the enemy.
But all this progress, I still meet women who tell me: I just feel more comfortable around guys; or most of my friends are men. It makes me wonder how we’ve become so disconnected from our own sex that being among and around women is not our default. How is understanding men somehow easier than understanding ourselves?
First, cattiness among women is over-inflated in order to isolate women from one another and repackage certain normal feelings as undesirable. Women aren’t the only ones that feel competitive or ambitious. Men feel that too, but they’re allowed to express their feelings in a direct way, in a way that isn’t considered socially unacceptable. Unlike men, women cannot express their feelings as directly without experiencing social consequences. People, media, Hollywood are happy to place women who speak their minds into the “catty,” “bossy,” “aggressive” box. As a result, I’m not certain that women are learning how to properly express and address feelings — often feelings related to other women.
Second, when negative feelings do arise relating to another woman, it often comes from a place of insecurity. Feelings of competitiveness can be normal, but these seemingly normal feelings can also reveal a lot about our own insecurities. Desires to attack a woman’s hair, face, makeup, clothes, or weight, as often is the case, indicates self-doubt, and is less about other women and more about not dealing with years of internalizing covert messages of shrinkage, perfection, objectification, and agelessness.
Finally, hyper-competitive, hyper-critical behavior between women, especially in the workplace, develops not only because of our critical inner voice, but also because we see so few spots for us — as women — at the top. When women who study hard, work long hours, and pour their hearts and souls into jobs can’t advance in the same way as their male colleagues, the result is often to identify the “real” competition as other women. This is an incredibly effective technique of our society to, again, isolate women from each other, and turn us against each other. And while I think this concept of extreme competitiveness applies mostly to the workplace, one can understand how it burgeons over into personal life too. When women are living day-in and day-in in this dog-eat-dog mentality, it’s hard to switch it off at 5 pm. It starts to become you.
So what can we do? It’s easier said than done, but we have to confront our inner critic head-on. Rather than projecting our insecurities on to the women around us, we have tackle them directly within ourselves. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, we also have to fight the oppression of women at every turn. Not everyone can contribute or participate in the same way, but we have to take steps to demand parity for women in all areas of life, in addition to working on our inner critic. Bravery is required if we’re going to make the world a better, more equitable place for women.
Author: Brittany Kilpatrick
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Brittany Kilpatrick is an attorney and co-founder of Bonded Magazine, an online magazine dedicated to celebrating the unique experience of female friendship and exploring the power that it holds. When she’s not writing, researching, or lawyering, she’s spending time with her very naughty Boston Terrier, Tucker.
Link to social media or website: http://www.bondedmagazine.com
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