“We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that death will tremble to take us.”
– Charles Bukowski
I am a classically trained violinist, but I was never the best. I am very intelligent, but all my teachers hated me in school. I graduated early from high school, but was forgotten. Friends and boyfriends never came easily to me because I have mental health issues. I went to college to only be expelled. I worked out and joined Crossfit, only to be kicked out of three gyms. I’ve been fired from almost every place that has employed me. But this isn’t a sob story. This is a story about finding myself and not letting my past define me.
Many times in my life, I have had to take a good hard look at who I am and what I am doing. In the past, I would blame everyone else and never take any credit for my part in the situation. Then my twin brother passed away a year and 10 months ago. Life slapped me in the face, and I couldn’t deal. I went into the lowest phase of my life, attempting suicide the day before our birthday because I didn’t want to be older than my brother. I was invisible, and everyone felt bad for me. That wasn’t what I wanted. Then I remembered something my mom said to me. She said, “If something ever happened to you, your father and I would see your funeral and go home and kill ourselves.” That is not what I wanted for myself or them, and I know that’s not what my brother would want.
Our family was broken, and I was just making it worse. So I got up and contacted the DARE Officer from my hometown to speak in their schools and tell my story. I formed my own nonprofit with the intent to help addicts. My brother could no longer have a legacy to leave behind, so my new goal was to create one for him. A year passed by. I had a miscarriage after trying to deal with my feelings through sex. I didn’t even know I was pregnant because I had 3 false pregnancy tests. I left an environment that was not supportive in Crossfit, and joined a local triathlon club. I let men treat me like garbage because that was how I felt about myself. I sexually assaulted, but I had to let myself heal, and put a sex ban on my body. People came in and out of my life, and I let them, until I started standing up for myself and saying how wrong that was. I went to my old middle school last year to have one of my old teachers say, “Please tell me you don’t have a child here.” Then I sat in a teacher’s lounge with all my old teachers to tell me how much they hated me and their current students. Then they walked into a classroom I was speaking in and listened to me speak. Their tune changed that day, and they always love seeing and speaking to me when I am in their school. I am polite in return. I may not forget but I can forgive, even my prior college who upheld my expulsion after 6 years when I appealed it this month.
My dad gave me the best compliment anyone has ever given me a few months ago. He said, “I have never seen so much growth come from you in my life. You were put into a tough situation and had to figure out who Carly is and how to make her decisions. But you did it, and I am proud of you.” Looking back, I believe all of these things happened for a reason. I was selfish. I was entitled. I was a horrible excuse for a human being. But I was, and will always be, a fighter. Had none of these things happened to me, I would never have become what I am today. The founder of a nonprofit. A public speaker and educator to children and communities. A furniture repurposer. A scholarship creator. A full-time valued employee at a company. A volunteer for a jewelry company who likes having me around. A friend. A woman who is still learning, healing, and fighting. And most importantly, Carly.
I have plans to continue using my voice and experiences in life to help those who need it. It will always be harder for me because of my past, but as Hunter S. Thompson once said, “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow!’” I may not get there as quickly as others, but what good is a life if everything comes easily?
Author: Carly Kotlyn
Email: [email protected]
Author Bio: Follow me on Instagram @carlsbadcavernss.
