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REALIZING THAT HE ISN’T THE ONE (& LIKING IT)

saved

He saved me. I hate to say it but he really did. For over a year I had be swimming around in confusion and putting my interests on anyone who would give me attention but never for long enough for me to care about them. I balanced on a wall leaning down to give time to anyone who asked for it but never jumped down into their arms because that would mean I might break.

Then he came and I jumped off that wall faster than I could have ever fallen. I dove right into him and soaked myself in his love for months. It lifted me up and protected me. He took the time to know me and love every part of my aching soul. I was completely his and yet still free to live as I wanted. He helped me grow and he watered my roots every single day. We were unbreakable and ready to be together for the rest of our lives. We swore we were soulmates and I told my mum within weeks of meeting him that he would be the one at the end of the aisle waiting for me.

Inevitably we broke and crumbled and a love so big was just too much for our young hands to carry. It didn’t hurt as much as I had imagined it would because we had this deep understanding that our connection was still holding us together somewhere out in the universe and that we’d be together again once we’d figured our shit out. We carried on seeing each other even though we found other people to share ourselves with. Still promised each other all the time that we’d end up together and told each other we loved one another all the time in texts filled with hearts and hope.

For months we survived on these promises of ‘one day’ until one night, while I lay in his bed, I heard him listening to a voice note from her. With her “Hey, baby” floating around the room, I felt sad and still not sad at all. I was upset that we had let a relationship so pure become so dirty as we ran it through inconsistencies and half-hearted ‘I’ll always be yours’. My heart sank when I thought about how we used to shout our love from mountain tops (quite literally) and now we covered it up under bed sheets and behind closed doors. I had let him build me up into a person I had never known and then watched him still with adoration as he pulled me down into someone who didn’t really feel worth much at all.

In this disappointment, I felt relief. This was the part where I felt low enough to let him go. To let our relationship stay pure where it was, and not stretch it thin behind me as I tried to pull it through life with me. He wasn’t going to be the one I ended up with, because I wasn’t going to let him pour his love out to someone else while I lay in his bed. I wasn’t going to let him ignore me for days because he was ‘just too busy’ and then jump to reply when his message finally popped up. I wasn’t going to let him make me wait for our love when he was clearly moving away from it.

When I decided I was walking away, this time without turning around and running back to him halfway through my journey, I realised that I wasn’t sad that I wouldn’t end up in his arms. I was relieved that a love so powerful and violent wouldn’t control my days anymore. I was relieved that I wouldn’t let his speeches and paragraphs of charming words entice me back in again. I was so relieved that I could be that person he helped me grow to be without him holding up my branches. I realised that I am great. He might have been the love of my life for a year, which I will forever be grateful for, but he will not be the one I stand beside when I am more wrinkles than actual human and that’s okay.

He was my soulmate. My soulmate for a year. He saved my life and fixed all my pieces. I might be a bit more of a mess now and my world may be a little more chaotic, but I know that I am no longer closed off, no longer standing on a wall leaning down to suitors’ hands. I am now on the ground, in the maze, making my way through every mistake and barrier, looking for a simpler love.

Author: Caitlyn Lynch
Author Bio: Caity Lynch is a twenty year old fairy from sunny South Africa studying to be a designer. Between her main priorities of drinking tea and sleeping she designates her time to illustrating, writing and studying.
Link to social media or website: https://quitesimplycait.com

Instagram: @caitlynchh

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