I’ve decided to share something and take a big step despite the mixed opinions I’ve received. I want to be open and hopefully, it encourages others to be open with their struggles, too. I’m coming from my own experience and realize that my opinions will differ from many. With that being said, it’s important to remember that we’re not all the same and that each path is incredibly unique. So, let’s dive right in:
I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression. My anxiety was always front and center, I honestly can’t remember a time where it wasn’t. The thing is, I could hide the severity so well that I had even tricked myself. I had tricked myself and then it was like a train hit me. I felt so trapped. I felt nothing but everything. I didn’t want to die but I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to exist. I didn’t want to be real and I didn’t want what I was going through to be real. I would fall into yet another panic attack and that had seemed to trigger the depression each time. Whatever progress I was making would fading away. People kept telling me that it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to feel tired, it’s ok if you don’t want to go out. It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. The repetition of these kind words had almost no meaning. Yes, it’s ok to cry and be tired, but when does it stop? When does the sobbing for relief and complete exhaustion stop? Will it stop?
There’s no way to sugar coat how I felt because it wasn’t pretty by any means. I neglected myself in every sense of the word. I stopped eating, drinking, I stopped showering and even brushing my hair. I had no drive. I eventually had to go to the ER because I literally thought I was having a heart attack. There, I was told that I was extremely dehydrated, that I had vertigo and a rapid heartbeat. I had lost over 20 pounds in barely two weeks. I ignored my feelings and it broke me. I had no idea what I was doing to myself and it made my world fall apart. I ignored my anxiety and my depression, and it backfired in such a way that I didn’t know how to go on. It’s a scary feeling to be lost and not have anything or anyone to grab onto. Sure, you do have people to grab onto but that darkness in your soul tries to convince you otherwise.
No one ever expected me to have that “darkness”. Anyone who knows me would always describe me as funny or sweet, always smiling. Then I broke and became just that. That girl who is broken, that girl in class who looked tired, that girl who looked sick enough to make people question if she had the flu. Why don’t others understand? This happening doesn’t mean I’m not myself and this illness doesn’t make me who I am. I’m not my anxiety, I’m not my depression, and I’m certainly not my broken heart. I am that funny girl who likes to smile, she’s just lost. I am still full of love and will always give it. She’s trying to find her way.
I will have my good days and my bad days, and my really bad days but I’ve made a promise to myself and the man upstairs that even when those bad days come; I will tell myself how strong I am even if I feel like I’m lying. He blessed me with a big heart and an open mind. I’m always going to hold on to that. Always. One day my anxious stomach ache will get those excited butterflies that deserve to be there. I will be ok and so will you. I know talking about these things are way harder than it should be, I know that you might feel ashamed or hopeless but please hold on. You are so much stronger than you think.